Wednesday Morning Thoughts

Fullness of life. My child lies on her child-sized table watching a kids music video.

Her eyes sparkle shine. A cardinal flashes past my window. Sun makes grass bright, a vibrant yellow green.

I rarely let Annalise watch media on my phone…but on a whim this morning I found her animated children’s songs on You Tube, just to show her what it’s like. Now she is so fascinated. I like to see her enjoy it, like to see her smile.

I wonder how it changes a child, to have or not to have media. Ivan and I mostly keep her away from media because we aren’t big movie people ourselves and because we want her to develop her own healthy imagination away from screens…but I wonder if there’s knowledge she is missing, a portion of her mind that might be developed in a healthy way, through the circumspect use of media. All easy truisms aside, what is right for a child and what is not, in a modern world?

I am reading again Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts. Slowly, in the mornings, letting it soak in.

So many voices.

I don’t put Voskamp’s in that category. Her voice is gentle, approachable. Not bossy. Thoughtful.

But in general, so many voices, so loud, telling me what to do.

Now Annalise scribbles with colored pencils, one at a time–I decided she watched media long enough and found her these instead. Her blond hair wisps down her back. She tries each one then places it carefully in the hive-shaped clay-colored jar one of my sisters gave me. Her small lips purse in that precise shape they have when she is arranging things or putting things in something else. She likes this, the putting and the taking, as Char used to say.

Eucharisteo.

I am reading Voskamp’s book slowly, letting it soak in instead of hurrying through because I need this. It is God’s message to me.

I have been praying to live a life filled with the Spirit, something I cannot seem to grasp. How to be led by the Spirit. How to abide. I want that for myself but don’t know how to attain it. It cannot be attained…but how can you have something, gain something you cannot work for? All my life I have worked for things. If it’s something academic…starting young with the ice-cream scoop 100’s chart in elementary school…I can do it. Tower my scoops high.

Learning PA Dutch has been harder, though. I still haven’t got it well. I am tied so closely to English. And marriage is harder. Motherhood is harder. These things have not come naturally to me, at least not in all aspects. I haven’t had the satisfaction of seeing my ice-cream scoops tower higher than anyone else’s. Because mostly marriage and motherhood cannot be graded. And things that cannot be graded are hard.

Life is hard.

I used to think I had the perfect life.

Then I hit hard times, things I could not accomplish.

I have always wanted to do it right, get it right, be right. And in some places I cannot.

I choose to accept this, to embrace the knowledge that a part of maturity and humility is realizing my broken places and insufficiency.

And yet, I am reaching for the something more God wants to give me. I think He is preparing me.

I can feel that I am more ready than I used to be. More ready for fuller worship, a deeper relationship, a greater dependence on Him. More ready for more confidence and a sense of settledness in my own heart. Maybe the voices won’t rattle me so much.

I am at an in-between place, a place just before growing.

A robin hops like a kangaroo on the grass. A hop is such a sprightly movement, springy and hopeful.

Today I have written. I have looked at my daughter’s face.

It is enough.