Guest post by Sharla Baer.
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So many other voices have been shouting these past weeks… I am sure adding mine won’t make a drop of difference. I cannot say anything that has not already been said. But I will feel better if I say something. You all know, I suppose about Jeriah Mast and CAM. He was a missionary under CAM who sexually abused dozens of young boys, for years. Of him and of CAM’s role, I have nothing to say at the moment. There has been so much said. I want you to consider the victims. Not just Jeriah’s victims, but any victims.
Before you condemn a victim for their actions you can’t understand… before you write them off… before you cower, afraid, at their intense emotion… before you run from their honesty… their voice…
Try walking in their shoes. Try it. You won’t ever be the same.
Listen without condemnation. Don’t talk; listen. Listen to understand, not to respond.
Never tell them to forgive and forget. Never.
Don’t ask them, “What were you wearing?” What a person was wearing has nothing to do with sexual abuse, not even in the case of rape. It has nothing to do with it. And if you challenge this, I have evidence.
Never gasp when their story gets graphic. It places the horror right back on their shoulders.
Never ask them, “What were you doing?”
Sometimes people must face their abuser often. This is very, very hard. Never downplay that battle. Never say, “Just turn your back,” or “Just don’t be so intimidated by them.”
Love them. Accept them right where they are. Brokenness is where God does miracles. Do not try to force them to change. They can’t. Their brain has literally been rewired. It takes time.
Do not tell them to be quiet about it. Don’t silence them. Silencing them piles shame upon shame.
You may think that I do not have the right to say these things. But I do. Because I have also walked this trail.
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Hello. I am Sharla. I paint and draw emotions and life. I love music and art and old books. Coffee too, but I don’t think I’m addicted yet. The best part of my life is my fiance, Chadwick. He and I will be married this fall. This summer is full of planning and preparation. Sometimes, when I have the time, I write what I think about, and usually it is a subject that I feel very deeply about. Sexual abuse is one of those subjects. It is something that needs to be spoken about. Too often it is not. I’d like us all to do our part to break the silence.
You can read the poem Sharla wrote in honor of sexual abuse survivors in this post: “For Survivors of Sexual Abuse.”
Feature photo by Benjamin Shanks on Unsplash
We’ll said! May God bless you on your healing journey.
Thank you, Sharla, for opening your heart. I haven’t walked the same journey as you, only from a distance. But I care. There are so many hearts with deep anguishing wounds, and I don’t know what words to say… I know that healing is only in God Himself. But I wish I knew how I can help someone else to find that…. Thank you, again.
How you can help others find healing:
1. Be there for them, like you are right now.
2. Listen without judgment. Listen, listen, listen. And a good hug is appropriate very often–women to women, men to men (yes, to all of you Anabaptist men, it is okay to hug another man! Particularly if they are hurting.)
3. Avoid platitudes (i.e. God is going to use this in your life in a mighty way). The best thing to say when we are expressing grief or struggle is “I’m so sorry this happened to you. I don’t know what to say, but I am right here.” Reaffirm our worth.
4. Pray and check up on us. We really appreciate that others show they care in this way.
5. Familiarize yourself with survivor issues. There are some good websites out there that give a wealth of information to those seeking to be supportive. Let me know, and I can direct you to a few resources.
Thank you kirkdaniel for these helpful words. I think some of these I already knew in my heart. I would be interested in some websites or resources that could help me in being supportive.
Here are some links that I hope will prove beneficial:
https://rainn.org/sites/default/files/HelpSomeoneOnePageRAINN.pdf
https://1in6.org/get-information/for-family-and-friends-of-men/
Thank you Sharla for sharing this. I’m a sexual abuse survivor. In childhood and as a young adult. I’ve never said this in public before. My heart goes out to other survivors of sexual abuse.
If someone reading this is a survivor please repeat this. It’s not your fault!
God bless you, dear sister. Thank you for adding to your voices to others, so we know we are not alone.
Good, good words.
This is so so good. I wish ministers and parents and people wanting to help abuse survivors everywhere would read this and believe it and live it.
Imagine you tell your mom and she says “I don’t believe you”
Imagine it’s a close relative and you see them because you can’t avoid family. Imagine living with that for 40 years. It affects your life.