The Boundary Benefit

In my life and relationships, I’ve struggled with knowing how to set good boundaries. It took me a long time even to realize I NEEDED boundaries. That’s why the following guest post by Sarah Martin resonated with me. Sarah writes a newsletter called Life Stuff where she explores topics of depth and beauty. The following post is Part 2 of her Boundary Benefit series. If you’re interested in reading Part 1, or in subscribing to her newsletter, shoot Sarah an email at livelovewriteit[at]gmail.com. I am one of Sarah’s recent subscribers and am very glad I signed up!

Sarah says some of the following thoughts come from the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst.

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Why are boundaries a good thing? 

It helped me to think about it this way: When I establish a relationship with someone, I am granting them access to my heart. But access requires responsibility. And if someone is not mature or respectful enough to be responsible and trustworthy with the access I give them to my heart, then they are not worthy of that access.

God operates in this way as well. His love is unconditional, but when sin entered the garden of Eden (because Adam and Eve crossed a boundary), access to God became restricted. In Isaiah 59:1,2 God says, “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God: your sins have hidden his face from you…” (NIV)

Here’s another quote from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes:

“If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries… Good boundaries bring relief to the grief of letting other people’s opinions, issues, desires, and agendas run our life.”

 So setting healthy boundaries is a kind thing to do, both for myself and for the other party. The other party might not understand the boundary at first—maybe not ever—but I know that if I don’t set it, I will come to resent them and the way they invade and take over my life. Although I can’t control their reactions when I set a boundary, my emotional health is something I can take control of by doing so.

But if we are here to serve and to love, isn’t it selfish to decide that we’ve had enough?

I’m not talking about totally cutting people out of our lives. Please don’t take this as permission to flee responsibility. But I am saying that there is a danger that we may be helping others for fulfillment, instead of serving from a place of fulfillment.

It helps me to think of it this way: If I overwhelm my schedule and over-commit myself emotionally, I lose the ability to love others well.

It might feel easier to go along with the other person’s expectations in order to keep peace, rather than dealing with the fallout of addressing the issues. And that may work for a while. But resentments will simmer and eat away at you until eventually, there will be an emotional explosion you’ll regret. When the anger and frustration gets the best of us, we are no longer living like Jesus would have us to.

We need to understand the areas where we can find this balance.

·       For example, you might decide that with a certain person, you will only talk face to face instead of messaging in order to remain emotionally balanced and in control of your own reactions.

·       With that person who repeatedly asks for help, instead of always catering to it all, you might give them one or two specific areas where you can help.

 ·       You might be able to have an honest conversation with that person who holds you responsible for their happiness, and kindly point out that you need to step back in the relationship.

Setting a boundary will not look the same for each person, nor be the same in each situation. The key is to prayerfully let your action be one of Spirit guidance and not of selfishness. 

Edward and I learned valuable lessons in spite of the hard situations we dealt with. But I see in looking back that had we established some good boundaries earlier, we could have avoided some of the despair, helplessness, and burnout.

What’s the difference between a healthy boundary and a selfish one? A Christian counselor named Jim Cress says:

“A good boundary is focused on what I do. Its motivation is self-control—I am responsible for my actions; I manage my behavior, and I take ownership for my actions. I focus on the things in my life that I can control.

A bad boundary is focused on what the other person does. It wants to punish or control the person who has hurt me. I want them to be different; I have to change their behavior; I’m owning the actions they choose. I’m hyper-focused on them and always negotiating and trying to motivate them to get them to do what I think they should. The relationship becomes no longer satisfying but rather a drain on my constantly frazzled emotions.”

So, let’s say you’ve put up the good boundary. You’ve kindly explained to the other person the areas where your relationship needs to change. You’ve tactfully said “no” to the demands that are draining your energy and emotional health.

Remember that you still need to heal. “Things are better” does not mean “things are healed.” Healing from a manipulative or abusive relationship takes time—maybe lots of time. It’s normal to recoil from close interaction or to feel hesitant about initiating conversations and activities with the person who has hurt you. That’s okay. Be kind to yourself as you recover.

But it’s good to have at least one other objective person that you can talk to and debrief with. Be honest with someone safe about your feelings. Ask them to assess your reactions and speak into your battered emotions. Reality can get distorted when we’re hurting. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us whether we’re still reacting or looking at situations in light of past negative history. Obviously, this will be a mature person who won’t just tell you what you want to hear.

But do give yourself space. No, this is not always a selfish concept borrowed from secular counselors. It’s a necessary thing. Think about a broken limb that is protected by a cast. Think of Jesus going away alone to pray and recharge before once more facing the crowds.

For example: One day, someone who had recently battered my emotional equilibrium wanted to use my washing machine to finish a load of laundry when hers had given out. (I tell this story with the individual’s permission.) My first reaction would have been, “No! Don’t come into my space.” But I didn’t feel right about a flat ‘no.’ So I said she could come.

However, I knew about what time she would be coming. I didn’t feel able to face her. It was afternoon, so I had to put my baby to bed for his nap. I used this as an excuse to stay upstairs until she left. But up in that bedroom, I fought an inward battle. Should I go down? Was I just hiding, trying to avoid the inevitable time to begin the healing that deep down, I longed for? Was this silly?

Later, when I thought it was safe, I sneaked downstairs, feeling a little sheepish—and found a bag of carrots on the table. I needed carrots. I took this as an affirmation from God that I had done the right thing. And that maybe the other person wanted to move toward reconciliation as well, and understood my actions.

So small, but I believe God uses little things like this to affirm us and keep us from getting discouraged.

Boundaries are not only a good thing, they are a God thing. “He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” (KJV) That’s boundaries.

I still have much to learn about loving people well by setting good boundaries. I realize, too, that this concept can’t be explored exhaustively in two thousand words. I’d love to hear from you if you have questions or input. And if you need to put some boundaries in place, I pray you will have the strength to do it.

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***Feature photo at the top credited to Lois Friesen.