I feel very blessed. Will pray the Lord leads you to just the community you need. ❤️

It makes sense that you were shocked, and I am mutually shocked at hearing about your experiences, lol. :) I hope you can visit again. It was wonderful to spend time with you.

Wow, this is so so different from anything I’ve experienced. Sometimes it’s weird to think we all live in America and have such very different lives. Thank you for sharing, Kiley.

This was a very good series. Thank you for taking the time to write it. :) It was very educational and provided a good insight into parenting and conservative Mennonite culture.

That being said, I’d like to “take my turn” and share my thoughts on children and family based on the personal experiences and observations I had growing up in my hometown (and please, do keep in mind that all this is just from my personal experiences in my hometown, I certainly can’t speak for every mainstream American community). ;)

My hometown was predominately liberal-Catholic: they utilized birth control, were un-phased by divorce, and overall pretty lax when it came to many things, unlike the Catholics of previous generations. Long gone were the pre-Vatican II, no-birth-control-allowed days of the “big, Catholic family.” In fact, since there were so many 1-2 children families in my community, I was often both perplexed and confused by the old “big Catholic family,” or “strict Catholic family” stereotypes I would often hear about from non-Catholics and those of older generations. If a family or single parent had more than two children, it was considered excessive and irresponsible. The only exception of course being if you had a lot of money.

There weren’t a lot of close families in my hometown. Most of the kids I grew up with came from divorced parents. Some came from single parent families, and a few came from “traditional (not sure if that’s PC?)” families like mine, where both of their biological parents were married and stayed married to each other. An overwhelming number of the kids I grew up with resented their parents and felt they were never wanted, or were just wanted because their parents felt like “they had to have kids because that’s just what you do.” Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t every family, but it was certainly a lot of families. A lot of my friends growing up had both parents working full-time, and felt they never really “got to know” their parents. They spent more time with their babysitters, dual babysitter/housekeepers, or in some kind of daycare/after school program. When they were old enough to stay on their own (usually around aged ten or so), that’s what they did until their parents came home from work.

However, there was always a small handful of “stay-at-home” moms that not only seemed to care for their own children, but all the children whose parents worked so much they never saw them. These few moms would be the ones who took all the kids to their activities: sports, recitals, etc., drive all the kids to and from school, and be there for school events. My mom was one of these moms. Due to my brother’s poor health as a child, she opted to stay home, returning to the workforce once my brother and I were in middle school (I think my brother was 11 and I was 13). I remember once, a friend’s mom told my mom even though she thought she was “oppressed” for being more traditional, claiming it was a “shame she chose her kids over work,” she didn’t know what she’d do if it weren’t for my mom giving my friend rides everywhere and making sure she got to our activities. She then laughed and proceeded to tell my mom that “she’d go crazy” if she had to see her kid more than she already had too.

This comment always stayed with me. I remember overhearing my mom talking with my dad about it later that night. She felt hurt by the comment, by also found herself questioning whether or not she would have been more fulfilled if she never had kids and stayed working full-time. It also made me wonder why so many people had kids to begin with. If they felt taking care of kids was “oppressive,” and they’d rather be working all the time instead of spending time with them, then why did they have them in the first place?

So, I suppose children were seen as a “necessary nuisance” in my community. People felt they had to have at least one or two children because that’s what society says you should do, but when they did have them, they sure seemed to spend a lot of time trying to avoid them, or complaining about them. Even at church, I remember our priests once sending out a letter warning parents to not bring their children to church until they were old enough to sit still and stay quiet because they were considered a major distraction. And you wouldn’t dare ever bring children to any kind of conference or work-related event (this used to upset me because my dad’s holiday work parties always sounded AMAZING haha).

Another interesting observation, and probably one where our cultures differ greatly, was that “…to love your child was to make sure they had lots of things.” A common line from my friends growing up would be, “…I rarely see my parents, but at least I know they love me because they bought me ‘x.’” And one of the biggest complaints from parents about children (and why smaller families were far more common), was how expensive they were. Aside from healthcare and basic needs, kids also “needed” video game consoles, TVs, DVD players, cell phones, computers, laptops, tablets, the trendiest clothes and accessories, etc. Not to mention the cost of activities. Being part of sports teams, dance classes, music classes…all that costs lots of money. The less kids you had, the more you could spend on them. At the risk of sounding like a brat, I admit: as much as I loved my little brother growing up, I used to be super jealous of my only-child friends. It seemed like they got everything they ever wanted all the time without question. And (on the surface at least), they seemed happier because they didn’t feel they had to “compete” with a sibling, often bragging about how they didn’t have to worry about sharing, being a favorite child, etc.

Personally, I see children as normal, but I don’t think being a parent is for everyone. I never liked the idea of having them just because “that’s what you’re supposed to do.” I saw the devastating consequences of this mentality. I witnessed too many of my friends grow up feeling neglected and detached from their parents, only feeling “loved” when they got a new toy, etc. Said friends always struggled to find that substitute for feeling truly loved, whether it was through addition, poor choices in relationships, etc. It’s not healthy. People should only become parents if they truly want to, not because society says you have to.

And there you go. I know I practically wrote a book on this subject instead of a general comment, but subjects like this are interesting to me. I enjoy learning about the differences in cultures and faiths.

Thanks for this, Lynn.

Oh wow. That is sorta crazy compared to the place where Ivan and attend, where there are more children than I can easily count. I bet that particular child got lots of love and attention though!

That’s very cool, Grace. I have never experienced African culture but would very much love to visit if I ever have opportunity.