I couldn’t say this better than one mommy from my church mommy group: “I think it’s a rich blessing to be a part of a social group where children are both treasured and a normal, expected part of events.” She gave the example of taking her children along to sewing circle and having the older ladies welcome them and accept the extra noise and encourage her as a mother. “I think it’s evidence that we Anabaptists see it as a cycle of life; there will always be children around, you have your turn receiving support, then after a while you turn around and support others.”
I have also begun to notice how integral children are to Anabaptist culture and institutions since having a child of my own. This summer, when I attended the Writers and Artists Conference put on by Christian Light Publications, a conservative Mennonite organization, I saw quite a few couples there together with their children. Perhaps the wife had come to support the husband or the husband to support the wife. I asked about a room where I could care for Annalise and was pointed to a room off the reception area with several chairs and doors that stayed closed for privacy. Nothing fancy, but it worked. I met other writer moms who had come with their babies, and we chatted while we breastfed. Our babies added complications to our conference experience, but they were normal, and we were normal.
This summer I also attended the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association conference, which I blogged about in an earlier post. When I asked ahead of time about bringing Annalise along, sweet Linda, the conference organizer, did not discourage me. Annalise was still breastfed at that point, so I didn’t want to leave her behind, but I knew from past experience at other writers’ conferences that babies were just not done, and I might find it hard to find a private space for napping and breastfeeding. In the end, Ivan came along and hung out in Louisville with Annalise while I attended the conference. This conference was different than other non-Anabaptist writing conferences I have attended because it was intended for women writers only. However, in many other aspects it was the same. Held in a downtown, high-end motel where meals and beds felt cost prohibitive. Breakable dinnerware, gourmet meals, dressy casual attire except for the banquets, when sparkle and sleek dresses appeared. Spouses rare and children nonexistent.
I felt myself unfairly annoyed at the differing culture. WHY shouldn’t children be normal at a conference? WHY must everything be so fancy and expensive? WHY couldn’t it be made easier for a “common” (as my dad would say) person like myself to attend? WHY should there be what seemed to me an unnecessary number of layers between a profession and a family?
In the Anabaptist world, provision is almost always made for children. It’s normal for babies to cry in church. It’s normal for mothers to gather in the nursery around breastfeeding babies. It’s normal for young children to play and make noise at sewing circle while old grandmas quilt, middle-aged moms prepare food, and teenage girls knot comforters. Mixing gifts and expertise among the different seasons of life is normal and valued.
Interestingly, I have learned since Ivan got into the storage shed building business, that a huge percentage of storage shed builders, haulers, and suppliers are conservative Anabaptist. When Ivan and I go to the Shed Expo convention, I would guestimate the proportion of Ans to Nons as maybe half and half. And wherever Anabaptists go, there go children. Couples stroll the display booths together with children in strollers or walking beside them. A “family room” is provided where moms can nurse and nap their babies, and little ones can play.
This makes sense to me. I don’t understand a world where everything is separated, where old grandmas meet at bridge clubs (or whatever it is old grandmas do nowadays), mommies plan play dates, teens rock to music in locked bedrooms, and children grow up grouped with other children exactly their age.
I remember at the CLP writer’s conference, when Annalise was stirring up a fuss during a workshop, the bonneted ladies on either side of me pulled pencils and things from their purses and engaged in the business of helping to entertain. I loved the relaxed, comfortable way they went about it, as though they loved children, as though they knew exactly how the embarrassed and uneasy mother must feel, as though providing childcare for a restless baby is a perfectly normal part of sitting through a workshop.
Don’t get me wrong. I think non-bonneted ladies might well have done the same thing. Non-Anabaptists love children as much as anyone. But it does feel relaxing to raise a child in a setting where children are considered a normal, everyday part of institutions and culture.
Another benefit I see to the normalcy of children in Plain Anabaptist culture is that while children are valued and loved, children are not the only one. Many children grow up in big families, and even an only child is usually surrounded by cousins within their extended families and various ages of playmates at church. I think this is healthy, because all attention is not fixed on any one child. Any child can see, “Now that toddler is getting all sorts of giggles and attention, and now that one is. It’s not because they’re extra special; it’s because all children are special.” So a child can grow up in an atmosphere of being valued without being a prima donna.
I hope and pray the Lord will give Ivan and I more children, both because I love children and because I think it’s healthy for a child to have siblings. If he does not, I will still try to give Annalise opportunities to interact with other children of varying ages and to feel surrounded by community. And I guess that’s my parenting tip for today. Whatever our background or setting, we can deliberately befriend, mix with, and learn from a variety of age groups. Both we and our children will be richer for it.
Your turn! How normal are children in your setting? How easily have you been able to integrate them into a shared community? And what tips and insights do you have for the rest of us?
This post joins a series that started here.
Check back tomorrow to hear my thoughts on boundaries.
I love that the ladies loved on your daughter. Our church though not Anabaptist is pretty welcoming to children though I have been to churches where that isn’t the case. I love being at Above Rubies fa.joy retreats where the children were more than welcome. I remember holding a baby for a new mom so she can enjoy the speaker – Nancy Campbell.
That’s so nice, Regina. ❤️
I’ve been on the receiving end of the anabaptist child-loving environment lately, and I must say it does a LOT to ease my nerves. I didn’t grow up Mennonite, but Baptist. Children are loved, but I grew up in an environment where kids have their place and should behave in church, and parents hire babysitters or have grandparents watch the kids when something important happens. Having my girls I’ve taken a more involved approach in most aspects of my life and I don’t ask if they’re allowed to be with me; I bring them, and people accept them.
I started attending a Mennonite church in 2020 when I had a 2 year old and was pregnant. I’ve always been terrified of how my children would act in church, and week after week I’m reassured by the noise of other children in church, other mothers sitting in the back with me, or other men and women sitting around us who don’t hesitate to interact and entertain. It’s a welcome change from how I grew up, and I love it.
Pingback: How my Plain Mennonite Heritage Impacts my Parenting - Lucinda J Kinsinger
Fascinating, I grew up around the Anabaptist culture and observed the love for children that is part of that culture. I’m now living in Africa as a missionary. I see a lot of striking parallels in the cultural view of children. (In many other ways also)
That’s very cool, Grace. I have never experienced African culture but would very much love to visit if I ever have opportunity.
You describe it well, and I really like being in settings where children are an accepted part of things.
I’ve had a chance to speak at a number of events at local churches. I like to ask about numbers–how many attendees on Sunday morning, and how many children.
One in particular sticks in my head. 250 people on Sunday morning, I was told, and one child.
One.
I thought that was tragic, not only because of missing out on interacting with children, but because it meant the church would eventually die out because there was no one to pass it on to.
Oh wow. That is sorta crazy compared to the place where Ivan and attend, where there are more children than I can easily count. I bet that particular child got lots of love and attention though!
It is important that we know where our children are and what they’re doing. Sometimes that means missing out on stimulating conversations to check up on them. They are our’s to love and protect .
Thanks for this, Lynn.
Hello Luci!
This was a very good series. Thank you for taking the time to write it. :) It was very educational and provided a good insight into parenting and conservative Mennonite culture.
That being said, I’d like to “take my turn” and share my thoughts on children and family based on the personal experiences and observations I had growing up in my hometown (and please, do keep in mind that all this is just from my personal experiences in my hometown, I certainly can’t speak for every mainstream American community). ;)
My hometown was predominately liberal-Catholic: they utilized birth control, were un-phased by divorce, and overall pretty lax when it came to many things, unlike the Catholics of previous generations. Long gone were the pre-Vatican II, no-birth-control-allowed days of the “big, Catholic family.” In fact, since there were so many 1-2 children families in my community, I was often both perplexed and confused by the old “big Catholic family,” or “strict Catholic family” stereotypes I would often hear about from non-Catholics and those of older generations. If a family or single parent had more than two children, it was considered excessive and irresponsible. The only exception of course being if you had a lot of money.
There weren’t a lot of close families in my hometown. Most of the kids I grew up with came from divorced parents. Some came from single parent families, and a few came from “traditional (not sure if that’s PC?)” families like mine, where both of their biological parents were married and stayed married to each other. An overwhelming number of the kids I grew up with resented their parents and felt they were never wanted, or were just wanted because their parents felt like “they had to have kids because that’s just what you do.” Don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t every family, but it was certainly a lot of families. A lot of my friends growing up had both parents working full-time, and felt they never really “got to know” their parents. They spent more time with their babysitters, dual babysitter/housekeepers, or in some kind of daycare/after school program. When they were old enough to stay on their own (usually around aged ten or so), that’s what they did until their parents came home from work.
However, there was always a small handful of “stay-at-home” moms that not only seemed to care for their own children, but all the children whose parents worked so much they never saw them. These few moms would be the ones who took all the kids to their activities: sports, recitals, etc., drive all the kids to and from school, and be there for school events. My mom was one of these moms. Due to my brother’s poor health as a child, she opted to stay home, returning to the workforce once my brother and I were in middle school (I think my brother was 11 and I was 13). I remember once, a friend’s mom told my mom even though she thought she was “oppressed” for being more traditional, claiming it was a “shame she chose her kids over work,” she didn’t know what she’d do if it weren’t for my mom giving my friend rides everywhere and making sure she got to our activities. She then laughed and proceeded to tell my mom that “she’d go crazy” if she had to see her kid more than she already had too.
This comment always stayed with me. I remember overhearing my mom talking with my dad about it later that night. She felt hurt by the comment, by also found herself questioning whether or not she would have been more fulfilled if she never had kids and stayed working full-time. It also made me wonder why so many people had kids to begin with. If they felt taking care of kids was “oppressive,” and they’d rather be working all the time instead of spending time with them, then why did they have them in the first place?
So, I suppose children were seen as a “necessary nuisance” in my community. People felt they had to have at least one or two children because that’s what society says you should do, but when they did have them, they sure seemed to spend a lot of time trying to avoid them, or complaining about them. Even at church, I remember our priests once sending out a letter warning parents to not bring their children to church until they were old enough to sit still and stay quiet because they were considered a major distraction. And you wouldn’t dare ever bring children to any kind of conference or work-related event (this used to upset me because my dad’s holiday work parties always sounded AMAZING haha).
Another interesting observation, and probably one where our cultures differ greatly, was that “…to love your child was to make sure they had lots of things.” A common line from my friends growing up would be, “…I rarely see my parents, but at least I know they love me because they bought me ‘x.’” And one of the biggest complaints from parents about children (and why smaller families were far more common), was how expensive they were. Aside from healthcare and basic needs, kids also “needed” video game consoles, TVs, DVD players, cell phones, computers, laptops, tablets, the trendiest clothes and accessories, etc. Not to mention the cost of activities. Being part of sports teams, dance classes, music classes…all that costs lots of money. The less kids you had, the more you could spend on them. At the risk of sounding like a brat, I admit: as much as I loved my little brother growing up, I used to be super jealous of my only-child friends. It seemed like they got everything they ever wanted all the time without question. And (on the surface at least), they seemed happier because they didn’t feel they had to “compete” with a sibling, often bragging about how they didn’t have to worry about sharing, being a favorite child, etc.
Personally, I see children as normal, but I don’t think being a parent is for everyone. I never liked the idea of having them just because “that’s what you’re supposed to do.” I saw the devastating consequences of this mentality. I witnessed too many of my friends grow up feeling neglected and detached from their parents, only feeling “loved” when they got a new toy, etc. Said friends always struggled to find that substitute for feeling truly loved, whether it was through addition, poor choices in relationships, etc. It’s not healthy. People should only become parents if they truly want to, not because society says you have to.
And there you go. I know I practically wrote a book on this subject instead of a general comment, but subjects like this are interesting to me. I enjoy learning about the differences in cultures and faiths.
Wow, this is so so different from anything I’ve experienced. Sometimes it’s weird to think we all live in America and have such very different lives. Thank you for sharing, Kiley.
*addiction, not addition (my apologies)
One more thing: I hope this better explains why I was so “shocked” at meeting all those large families when I visited you. Especially the one family with the…was it nine or ten kids? Families that size would be unfathomable in my hometown.
It makes sense that you were shocked, and I am mutually shocked at hearing about your experiences, lol. :) I hope you can visit again. It was wonderful to spend time with you.
Oh how blessed you are to live in that culture! Especially to raise your daughter in it. Where we are (CT), children are not very ‘normal’ at all! I can’t even count the number of wedding & shower invitations we’ve received that specify “no children”. Women’s church events where children are discouraged & no on-site child care is provided is the ‘normal’ here. Church services where ushers ask Moms/Dads to move to the back or leave altogether because their child/ren are making noise (normal children noise, not overly disruptive) are common here. When churches started reopening here after Covid, anything they normally provided for children prior were the very last to be implemented. Many just had parents sit in the floor against the back wall of the building with a device. You are truly blessed! Oh how I wish the Lord would allow us to find such a community!!
I feel very blessed. Will pray the Lord leads you to just the community you need. ❤️