While a student in Boston, I met Inger and asked if she would be willing to share her journey with you, my blog readers. She agreed. Today, a guest post from Inger.
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Proberbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
This verse is probably my favorite verse from the Bible. My rock to hold on to. It tells me to trust, have faith, submit and surrender. Not easy things to do for a Dutch girl, brought up in an atheist family and struggling deeply with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, anorexia, attachment disorder and chronic depression.
I know, wow, that is a mouth full. I almost de-humanize myself with describing me with all these labels. I am much more beyond that. I know I am smart, loving, adventurous, a dreamer, reader, learner, and that my biggest wish is to have my own family, abroad doing development work. Sounds so much better than all these stupid labels, right?
Though, exactly these labels is how I got to know Lucinda. One year ago I traveled to America, thanks to the generosity of the church Followers of the Way and other compassionate Christians. I travelled to America to follow a therapy program for my C-PTSD and to meet all the wonderful people in the church. That’s where I met Lucinda who was studying in Boston at that time. But my introduction to the church and Christianity in general was in 2016. Maybe it’s hard to imagine for some readers how life in the Netherlands is. It’s free, liberal. Homeschooling is not really allowed. There are no Mennonites or Amish people and all we know about them is from television. As far as we know they don’t drive cars, live in strict communities and stay far away from the “normal” outside world. In that kind of community, it seems there should be big issues with sexual abuse, and being gay or transgender would be considered the biggest sin in the world which people can lose their entire family over. A cult is the word most people use to describe that way of living.
Though I attended Christian primary school (age 4-12), we learned that freedom is the most important thing you can have: don’t surrender to anything or anyone. I was/am a free spirit, and I felt blessed being born in freedom. Stubborn as I am, I enjoyed my freedom to the fullest. In 2016, I travelled to Uganda to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center for 8 weeks. That is were I met Wanda Sweazy. To be honest, I thought she was a nun, and I was intrigued learning more about her lifestyle and Christianity. To my surprise she wasn’t a nun, though she was wearing a head covering. She also wasn’t Amish or Mennonite, and she left me confused. Which other people (beside Muslims) were wearing head coverings? And wasn’t it a way to suppress woman? Something from a few centuries ago?
In those 8 weeks I learned to know her family, neighbors, and a small part of the community in Uganda. They were the absolute most loving and caring people I have ever met. All the assumptions I had about “strict” Christians vanished. I lost my heart to Uganda, but above all to the Sweazy’s. From that point I wanted nothing else than be part of their community, though I barely knew anything about Christianity or living in a community. Besides that, I was going to university back home in the Netherlands and I couldn’t just leave. Over the next two years, things changed. I have been in therapy since I was a 9-year-old girl, and after my amazing time in Uganda, I relapsed into my anorexia and couldn’t cope with my trauma issues anymore. Doctors told me, even after an admission from almost a year, that I was not treatable and I would die. They even recommended euthanasia. I wasn’t ready to give up, so I contacted the Sweazys to ask if I could move in with them, work for them, and try to fulfill my dream. I sold everything I had and 8 weeks later I was back in Uganda.
It was a whirlwind. I couldn’t believe how generous these people where, how loving the community was. Though I was sick, very sick mentally. It’s hard to describe how life is with anorexia and complex trauma. The constant fear, sadness and hopelessness.
On the other side, I was learning and striving to become a Christian and felt happier than I’ve ever been. I belong in Uganda, I belong in the church. I even started to cover my head and did my best to dress modestly. My convictions of modest dressing was basically being covered. A tight-fitted jumpsuit was “modest” in my mind which we could laugh hard about looking back on it.
However, I struggled with truly surrendering myself and, without my medication being available, I ended up in a psychosis ward, which made things even harder. I had to be flown back to the Netherlands because I wasn’t safe anymore in Uganda, but the Dutch doctors had already given up on me. Generously, which I will be forever grateful for, the church raised money for me to get treatment in America.
In January 2019, I flew to the USA. It was cold and life was completely different again. I felt thankful and wanted to express this by succeeding. Though it was intense. I had just come out of a psychosis, travelled over 3 continents, was jet-lagged, and this was followed by a very, very, very intense week filled with one-on-one therapy about stuff I had never talked about before. Three weeks in Boston followed where I met the most amazing, loving people. Again, I wanted to express my gratitude by succeeding, but I was absolutely drained. When we flew back to Uganda in February I started looking for a job because I needed money to sustain myself. My savings were almost empty and I felt so much pressure. I relapsed again and it feels like the biggest failure in my life.
I not only failed in “normal” living but also as a Christian “to be”. I was going to be baptized but I suddenly got scared. Was I willing to wear a head covering my whole life? Why was I doing it? Was it because I was convinced of the reason why I should? (and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways submit to him) Or did I do it to fit in and finally feel loved? I needed time. I wanted to be baptized but I couldn’t let go of my anorexia, my fake control. I couldn’t submit, so I couldn’t be part of this amazing community which I truly loved.
Lucinda asked me to write my testimony, but how could I write about this failure? I had to go back to the Netherlands once again because I wasn’t safe in Uganda. I felt like I let down all the generous people who donated money for my treatment. I lost my new-found connection with God. I ended up in the biggest darkness I’ve experienced in my life. After multiple suicide attempts, coma, and complete dissociation, I ended up in a crisis facility. I’ve been here for 5 months which is mostly a blur. I lost myself completely and couldn’t find myself. I was scared of everything and lost trust in everyone. I was angry at God.
Four months ago, they found a treatment center that is willing to help me. It’s a center for the most “complex” cases and, as you can imagine, that is not very uplifting or hopeful to hear. Besides that, I am back with my atheistic family who disapproved of my choice to join such an “extreme” Christian community, and I am back in a country where “cult-like” behavior is not accepted at all. Liberal freedom and don’t surrender is the norm. Having faith is something you keep for yourself. And so I tried to wear head covering, keep wearing my modest clothing etc, this time because I AM convinced I want to. I want to surrender, but I am scared. Scared to be not taken seriously, that people will laugh at me, abandon me, and most of all see it as part of my illness.
I am clearly not a success story. I struggle on a daily basis to connect with God and find my place in this world. This treatment will take one, maybe two years. And after that there will be an outpatient program. I don’t have a house, family, or friends nearby or a church community which I share values with. But I am back: I read, learn, pray and grow everyday. Maybe I am not perfect and I am not even a Christian because I was never baptized. But I love God and Jesus with all my heart. They are my biggest support. My rock when times are hard. And I pray everyday that beside all the qualities that God gave me that make me human instead of a disorder, he will give me a husband when the time is right. A family. And I have faith I’ll be strong enough to share my story in the full version by that time with people who need me. Who need to hear growing faith is not always an easy choice. The logical thing to do. But it makes you stronger and never alone because besides God you gain a family world wide!
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Inger DeVries refuses to be defined by her scars. She chronicles her battle against depression, anorexia, and ptsd on Instagram at today_with_ing.
Thanks Lucinda, for printing this most interesting story on your blog. I wish your new friend the best in her journey to recovery. I’m sure there is more to her story than written, someone close to me recently said that we are a product of our upbringing . The thought that comes to mind is that there is baptism of desire. This is a subject that I would explain further at a different time.
For my husband and I we do healing while walking and talking. .God’s Speed.
Praying for wisdom and comfort in the midst of deep, deep pain.
We never know the stories and pain behind the faces we meet each day. Lord, may your light flow through us to the needy ones around us.
Inger, you have overcome the first and hardest obstacle – recognizing that you have a problem and seeking help. I’ve walked beside a family member struggling with an eating disorder and I’ve worked with men battling addiction and the issues that led them to addictive substances in the first place. A huge step towards recovery in both situations was accepting the problem and allowing others to help. You’ve done both – you should be proud of yourself – you are ahead of many people!
I want to share with you a song – from God’s heart to yours – if you’re able to, listen to it on you-tube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U4Q2R7ZZAE
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
Oh, I will rescue you
Infer, You are a beautiful person and God loves you sooo much.
Inger, your story is so important, right now! When I was going through the most hopeless stage of my psychiatric problems as a teenager twenty years ago, it seemed like no Christian could publish a mental health story unless victory had already been secured. There was a sense that a person couldn’t be a ‘good witness’ unless all of their main problems were solved. Had I been in Luci’s place at the time, I might have thought that publishing a story like yours wouldn’t honor God.
I was recently introduced to a Christian speaker who currently ‘battles alcoholism’, i.e., who still relapses, and gets drunk. Myself, I still struggle with suicidal longings, complications of attachment disorder and complex PSTD, as you mention – it is so meaningful to hear someone tell their story out loud *during* their struggle, not just after. God bless you two as you bring Light into dark places. We have this gift in jars of clay.
Dear “Anon,” Thank you for posting this. You are brave.
I am a rare commenter, but this post deserves a comment! What a beautiful testimony about a life that brings glory to Jesus, in the middle of a struggle deeper and darker than anyone wants to imagine. The story shines with a Light stronger than Darkness!
Anon, thank you for this comment. I agree that Inger’s story is so important because she’s willing to talk about the hard times DURING the hard times. That’s hard for many of us to do. We want to fix ourselves first, and then we can talk about it. But for those who are struggling through complex emotional trauma, it’s so empowering to hear someone step up and say, “This is me. I’m not fixed yet, but I’m talking about it, and I have hope for the future.” That’s all of us, really. We don’t all struggle with anorexia and ptsd, but we all struggle with something to some degree. That’s why everyone can relate to this story and admire the courage and hope Inger shows when she tells it. It gives us hope and courage for ourselves.
Thanka for all the love and support! And positive feedback.
@Carol Ann Luce Ofcourse there is so much more to the story, so much more background, so much more right now. Dreams, desires and goals. Baptism is one of them. Get married is another big one of them. Like you said, everything at Gods speed.
@Anonymous Thanks for sharing and thanks for doing such thankfull work
@Anon Thanks for sharing. I know we are not alone. Also in Christian community there must be mental health issues only the way we cope with it is different. In some ways better, seeking help and support with God is a very powerful source and underrated in normal healthcare. But normal healthcare does have psycholigst knowledge christian leaders don’t have. Always seek help, I love that there are Cheistian mental health organizations in America. You are not alone and I will pray for you.
God bless the pilgrim. “Give me the grace, dear God, to adore You for even this I cannot do for myself.” — Flannery O’Connor
Inger- what a hard, but beautiful story. I can hear God’s work of redemption weaving throughout it. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and your heart full of worship for Him, feeding on His Word, knowing that He is able to turn your sorrow into joy, and your mourning to dancing. You may enjoy Rosaria Champagne Butterfield’s and Jackie Hill Perry’s books…
-Wendy Weaver
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