I did not know at first if I wanted to talk about my miscarriage. A part of me wants to, because our child is real, the first we conceived. If we move on, have other children, and never talk about this one, it will be as if he or she never existed. I don’t want that. This child was our first. I want it to be real.
Another part of me doesn’t want to talk about it, feels as though talking is wrong, is stealing from our child somehow, capitalizing on a life that never lived on this earth. I hope what I write here will honor our child. I want him or her to be honored.
Miscarriage is a subject people mention little. When they do, they tiptoe around it in gloved feet (if there is such a thing). Abortion…even more so. They are not the same, miscarriage or abortion—and yet, in some ways, they are.
In both, a child is conceived and gone before it is born.
In one, the child was wanted, prayed for. The mother, with all her swinging emotions, grieves the loss of that child, saves small mementos, the few there were. If she is young enough, starts dreaming soon for the next.
In the other, the mother is caught in a limbo state between grief and a void. How can she grieve what she did not choose? And yet, just like the mother in a miscarriage, she wonders sometimes what her child would be. Would it be a boy or girl? Shy or talkative? What would be its birthday, its likes and dislikes, the color of its hair? She cannot talk to anyone about it. Those who say abortion is murder would look at her in a way that would heighten her shame. Those who say it is a woman’s choice would remind her she did what was best, and the fetus was not a child yet—only a fetus.
Maybe she didn’t want the child. Or maybe she did, but circumstances choked her, made her feel panicked inside, told her the time wasn’t right. She couldn’t give this fetus a life, and so it could never live. But if it had lived…that is the question. If it had lived, what would it be? It is the question every woman who had a life inside her cannot help but wonder.
I wrote a letter to our child before it was born, before I’d even taken the pregnancy test—but I didn’t need it. Already I knew.
“Dear Child,” I wrote. “I don’t even know you yet, and already I love you. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that you are an entire new being come into the world because your father and I loved each other. We knew that our love would change our lives; I do not think we totally comprehended the fact that our love would change eternity.
“Because you will change eternity, you know. You will come into it, a presence and a soul that has never before existed, and you will exist into it—forever. In this small world you will make a small mark, and in that big world you will make a bigger one. You will make eternity a different place just by being you, a person created by God—like and yet unlike every person who ever existed.
“In the circle—the completion—the wholeness of life we call heaven, there you will sing. But before then, I will learn to know you, at least a part of you. I am so very excited for that.”
Our child no longer develops inside me. I will never know it on this earth. But I believe I will still know it in heaven. “I think it’s so exciting to think about your own cheering squad already started in heaven,” a friend told me.
I like that. I did some research recently to see what the Bible has to say about what happens to children who never lived. The children of miscarriage. The children of abortion. Here is one video talk I found helpful. Maybe you will, too.
Thanks for sharing, Luci. Prayers sent your way .💔🙏
Thanks for sharing! Please know you are not alone in your experience. Take time to grieve.
Beautiful.
Aunties grieve as well. . . grieve the loss of never knowing this little person. It’s a strange grief because sometimes I think I mourn the loss more than the mother does. . .perhaps because the responsibility of raising this child does not rest on my shoulders.
And yet perhaps. . . maybe she is grieving too and doesn’t feel she should. It’s a hard thing to talk about; thank you for sharing!
I cry, too. 💜💜
Thanks for sharing…….a lady at our church just had a miscarriage while another one was praising God for the birth of their child. Mixed emotions for both of these couples.
Prayers are with you & your hubby
Thanks for sharing…….we grieve with you and Ivan.
Last year, at our church …one couple shared they had a miscarriage while another couple was praising God for the new child that was born. Mixed emotions for all of us who heard this news.
The one who had the miscarriage is due to have a baby next month. :)
Keep writing…..enjoy reading your blog :)
Oh Luci. I’m so sorry for your loss. 💕What a beautiful post.
Miscarriages happen more often than we know of. My mom told me about the 2 she lost before I was born. I think it is ok to talk about them. Let your other children know they have a sibling in heaven waiting to meet them. My church’s you issue lost 2or 3 in a row after already having many children. It was shared with the church so we could grieve with them over their losses. Eventually she had 2 more sons. But all of the children know about their siblings in heaven. 🙂 Some people may not be able to talk about the loss, and that’s ok too. It’s a personal decision. I like the idea of knowing that if it happened to me and I shared it with people, they could pray for me and my husband and our families to help bring comfort during the time of loss. I pray that you, your husband, and your families are comforted through this and have hope for the future to see this child in heaven and hopefully have other children here on earth as well. ❤️
I’m so sorry Luci. I don’t know the pain. However I am super excited about playing with my two younger brothers who I never got to meet. Game of their choice!
I’m so sorry Luci. Our first child was miscarried too. Thinking about new life and things to come. A miscarriage was something I hadn’t thought of until it happened. We then learned it is much more common than we knew. The loss and sadness was as real as our child. Our Lord has since blessed us with two beautiful, wonderful children. Hugs, thoughts and prayers to you and Ivan.
So sorry Luci! We lost our first baby also and I know the heartbreak. Prayer and hugs!
Heaven became more longed for when my baby went to heaven instead of into my arms. And every loved one since then have been added to that person I know who’s there with my baby. You’re not alone in your processing and grief. 💕 amy
Miscarriages are so hard 💔😭saying a prayer for you! They will always be dear to us even when others forget!
So sorry for your loss. I keep you n Ivan in my prayers. I too, am a mother to 4 beautiful Angel’s. My little ones said hello,n then 1.5 hrs later quietly said goodbye, and I know that each one of them are forever safe in the arms of Jesus . I understand and feel your pain.💕
Do talk about your baby. Now and with your other children later. Nobody takes her or his place. This baby has a time and place.
Your sweet little one was loved and will be missed. Will always be held in your heart and someday in your arms also.
People grieve and process in different ways, but as a former NICU chaplain, I’ve known some parents to mark the unborn baby’s life and passing by some memento: a tree planted, a mother’s necklace, or sweet gift that had been ready to greet the new life. Some also chose a name that was not gender-specific so they could refer to their unborn child in a personal way, whether spoken or just held in the heart.
You write beautifully about a sad occasion in your life with Ivan. I can certainly relate to your experience as our first child miscarried. However, I went on to have two other children, a son and daughter, who bless our lives. Thank you for including the John MacArthur video, which rings true to me because it is based on scripture.
May you and Ivan feel God’s comfort: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akCa9fqzgQg
I’m so sorry. I’m so sad that I have to wait until I get to heaven to get to know your baby. I cant wait!!
I am so sorry for your loss! May Jesus bring comfort and peace to your hearts.
Dear Luci,
Thank you for being willing to speak about miscarriage. I do not wish that loss on anyone, it’s hard on the heart. My brother and sister have had this experience and it’s such heartbreak. Your letter to your new child is a beautiful ode. Your heart my dear is so large speaking of all who have lost their children
I’m so sorry you had to face and walk this difficult path. Thank you for writing about, I found so much support when I talked about our losses and others told me their stories also. I prayed for you and your husband.
(Hope Mommies has been so helpful in helping me walk through this grief. )
Yes, aunties do grieve too. In fact, I have a small collection of stones (that say things like Peace, Love, and Hope) for the babies my sisters lost.
You are forever a mommy….even if you don’t have a child to show for it right now. And ….I don’t know the grief like you do, but I’m sorry for your loss!
Thanks for sharing this particular piece of your story. We also miscarried w our first. As one older lady shared with tears her loss of miscarriage tho hers was 30+years before. A mother’s heart is made bigger and better by the heartbreaks that come in life. Sorry for the loss of not being able to hold that little one in your arms. I still remember date of possible birthday.
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Luci, I can Identify since my first pregnancy also ended with miscarriage. I think it is good to talk and write about it. We grieve this baby who never drew a breath, but God knows and loves this little person.
Luci and Ivan I am so sorry for your loss. I remember mine so well. The baby was yo be born February 13 but God chose different. I got to carry it for 3 months but only developed 2 months. I understand your pain because I still feel it every February. Thank you for sharing love you both and praying for you.
Sorry I didn’t put my name on my post. Sorry am not good at this.
Release
One chilly November night,
After our children were asleep
Eric and I tucked our fifth child in lace and
Placed him in a tiny carved wooden box.
Under the gentle gaze of the rising moon,
We mourned together as
We laid him to rest under the
Sheltering branches of the Joyce tree.
We wonder if they’ve met,
This child and it’s grandma?
We don’t know what it was,
Too tiny to tell…
Today I’ll plant some crocus bulbs…
Withered husks into fertile soil.
Promise of Spring after winter,
Light after darkness.
When June comes we’ll remember…
The eternal blessing of
Our little child in the arms
Of our Loving Father.
November 6, 2017
Reception
Through the mists we see a rainbow;
Full of hope,
Shimmering with life.
The crocuses are blooming
Spring has returned,
Bringing new promises.
We’ve felt the nudges
That tell of life.
Heard the heartbeat…
When June comes
We’ll remember
What we’ve lost.
Then when August arrives,
We’ll treasure
What we’ve been given.
These poems share a bit of our experience. Hope they bring you hope! It’s such a blessing to know where these little ones are at. Sometimes I’ll pray, “Dear God, please give my babies a hug today and tell them I love them.”
Reading your post made me to run swoop up my little 7 wk bundle and squeeze him tight as I remembered the grief of burying his next older sibling 15 weeks into the pregnancy. Take time to grieve! We were very open about my miscarriage and the support, flowers, meals and texts were SUCH a comfort! Made me so THANKFUL for sisters-in-Christ! I can’t imagine going through it secretly
Luci and Ivan, May God carry you through your disappointment. Talk about your child. He/she is real.
I’m sorry Luci. And I’m sad that it’s not more talked about. Losing our first was so so hard, but it was more of a quiet grief. The second was stillborn, so it seemed more okay to grieve audibly, but they really are no different. And now I am touched when my 5 year old talks about her siblings in heaven. And I wonder what they are like and think of them hanging out with their grandpa and grandma.
The letter to your child is so beautiful – how love brings a person into being and changes eternity. I love this. Thank you for sharing it. Your sweet one is in the arms of Jesus – locking eyes with the Creator and Saviour of the world – the One who loves us so perfectly. I’m sorry that you and Ivan didn’t have a chance to be with your first child here and now. I believe you will have time together later, in eternity – that place that is forever different because ‘a person created by God – like and unlike every other person’ – your child – is there.
My love is with you.
My love is with you.
Thank you for sharing your pain, and hope. It is good to find someone to talk about your feelings, for sure. Yes, your baby was real, and has already reached your long-term goal for it’s life- eternity with Jesus. We have 4 little ones there as well, one that lived 8 days after she was born, and 3 too small to see much. But I imagine them as youth in Heaven, and like David said, “He cannot come to me, but I can go to him.” We can see them someday! I’m thankful in these days we are allowed to grieve and talk about these babies; I listen to stories from 50 years ago about how mothers were on bedrest for 10 days and so could not go to their baby’s graveside service, never got to see the baby, and people never said anything to them and acted like noththing had happened. What pain and loneliness.
So sorry Luci!! That would be hard!!😭hugs
Dear Luci,
My heartfelt sympathy for your loss.
I pray God will carry and comfort you.
My love and prayers,
Lucinda
I just came across your blog by chance…
I am sorry for your loss, I too lost my first baby. A very wise lady at my church told me: God looks at every baby, he sees their whole life stretched out in front of them. And when he sees that what lies ahead is too difficult to bear for the child or the parents, he will call this child home to take care of it himself. He will hold it in his arms and love it like only a father can.
We planted a butterfly bush when our first child left almost 17 years ago. Every butterfly that I saw on that bush in the summer was a greeting from my unborn baby and brought (and still brings) a smile to my face (and also some tears).
I wish you and your husband peace and God’s comfort!
Love from Canada
Dear Lucinda and Ivan, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope that telling others about your wee one that didn’t stay will bring you comfort as we all grieve together. We have two tiny ones in heaven, as well. I miscarried at 11 weeks with one of them, and at 17 weeks with the other. The latter was a baby boy whom we could hold briefly and introduce to our other children. It gives me delight to think of Jesus holding these little ones close, but I still weep with the ache of loss sometimes. (It’s been 25 years and 19 years since my miscarriages) Hugs to you!
Luci and Ivan , so sorry for your pain and loss. We too have several precious angels we long to be reunited with when the Lord takes us home. I carried a deep grief for a long time after each loss. In looking back many years after, I wonder if it would have brought a greater healing if I had been open to sharing the pain. I am nearing my 56th birthday, and often anticipate with joy the thought of seeing them when my turn comes to go home! Our son and daughter-in-law recently miscarried twins! Again there is grief mingled with joy. Sadness for never getting to hold and snuggle them here on earth. Yet there is also a sweetness in having family and loved ones in the very presence of the living God of Heaven. Somehow it brings heaven closer. Many times my thoughts go to heaven. I think of those gone on before. What are my loved ones seeing? Hearing? Experiencing this very moment? God is good. His plan is good. My babies are so joyful and happy with Him. Someday we can be gathered around His throne together!
Yes, Betty. Amen and amen.
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I am sorry this happened, Luci and Ivan.
May God comfort you both.
Thank you for your care.
Thank you for sharing, Lucinda! After just having our second miscarriage (first one was so early we hardly even realized at the time that it was a miscarriage), I’ve come to realize how much it hurts to let our children go whom we’d never met…And then still have none to hold right now. We found it healing to name our children (we used gender neutral names since they were still so young) which feels like it gives them an identity and validated the reality of their existence. Now we continue to learn how to move on in hope for the future. I’m working on learning to let myself grieve without automatically trying to ignore the fact that they existed and then died, so that it doesn’t hurt as much. We’ve been so thankful for a caring and understanding family and church community. It’s been so helpful. God is kind and we’ve felt His presence.
Thank you for sharing, Lucinda! After just having our second miscarriage (first one was so early we hardly even realized at the time that it was a miscarriage), I’ve come to realize how much it hurts to let our children go whom we’d never met…And then still have none to hold right now. We found it healing to name our children (we used gender neutral names since they were still so young) which feels like it gives them an identity and validated the reality of their existence. Now we continue to learn how to move on in hope for the future. I’m working on learning to let myself grieve without automatically trying to ignore the fact that they existed and then died, so that it doesn’t hurt as much. We’ve been so thankful for a caring and understanding family and church community. It’s been so helpful. God is kind and we’ve felt His presence. Praying for you both as you grieve and find comfort. Thanks again for sharing!
Sarah thank you for these kind words. We have also named our little one: Misty Love. I agree it is healing to have a name. God continue to be with you also as you grieve. Thank you for reaching out. ❤️