3 Ways to Make Friends with Your Children – Part 1

Freedom

I remember when we were teenagers, Dad told us, “You never have to listen to me if you don’t want to. If I tell you something you don’t want to do, don’t do it.”

As a conscientious child raised to uphold the twin pillars of “Obey God” and “Obey your parents,” such a release was like kicking off shoes and stepping onto beach sand. I had similar emotions when I first got my drivers’ license: I’m free, I’m free! If my family ever makes me mad and I’m tired of them, I can just hop in my car and get away for a while.

I don’t think I ever did hop in my car just to get away from my family, but it was nice to know that I could. Dad’s psychological release worked the same way. I knew that if he ever asked me to do something that went against my grain, I didn’t have to listen, and I didn’t have to feel guilty about it.

Naturally, this only made me more aware of Dad and Mom’s desires. I thought through the things they wanted for us children, thought about why they wanted them and whether they were the same things I wanted for myself. After that, if I listened to what they said, it was because I wanted to, not because they made me.

Don’t confuse freedom with no rules. I suppose that most people who work with children realize that rules give a sense of security, while no rules translates simply into, “They don’t care, so why should I?”

But when children grow into adolescents and teenagers, they need to feel they have a long reign and growing freedom, and when they become adults, complete responsibility to make their own choices. I ask Dad and Mom for advice all the time. And guess what? I almost always listen. But if I was forced or guilt-manipulated into doing what they wanted, I would be one of two things: resentful, or gone.

Freedom runs hand in hand with acceptance and trust, two other principles of friendship which I haven’t chosen to write about. But it is a fact that we as people love control. And friendship isn’t about control. Neither is love.

I think Christian parents have an added burden in the area of freedom because they are concerned for their children’s souls. The truth is, though, God gave each of us a complete freedom of will and choice with which not even a parent can interfere. Trying to control another person’s choice only sets their feet in the direction they want to go and ruins any chance of a give and take sort of friendship. Dad said once, “Even if I didn’t expect to see my children in heaven, I would still want to be friends with them here on earth.”

It’s something to remember.

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Corny for someone who doesn’t have children to write about how to make friends with your children? I’m not a parent, but I have parents, and these are some things I learned by watching them. Dad and Mom aren’t perfect, of course. But they did manage something right when they made us children their friends and confidants. Every family will do things differently, and much more goes into a parent/child relationship than I can write in three short blog posts, but I’ve picked out three principles I think are important in creating an atmosphere where friendship can thrive. They are principles that work not only with children, but in the building of any friendship, with anyone.

Next Monday, I’ll post part 2, on the value of honest imperfection.