Loving Our Aging Friends Well

Charlene was in her early seventies when I knew her. While her quick wit and black hair made her seem young, her frailty and poor health made her seem very old. Her world had narrowed to a small house, a small yard, and tottering steps to doctor appointments and the grocery store.

I never realized, before I met Charlene, how vulnerable the elderly are both physically and emotionally. Old age is perhaps the most difficult challenge any of us will ever face.

How can those of us who still consider ourselves young show our aging friends love and consideration?

I asked two people for their insight: Dorcas Smucker, who cared for her dad in his final years, and Simon Schrock, who is himself 84.

Dorcas Smucker:  

1. What does an older person especially need?

• Volition over their own life. So many things get taken away little by little. It’s important they make as many choices as possible with living situations, hobbies, clothing, food, and so on. Even being able to choose their favorite mug every morning is valuable.

• Being included. Poor health can be isolating. Poor hearing can make them feel alone even in a group. Poor vision keeps them from driving, especially at night. They need interaction.

• Meaningful work. Feeling useless is horrible, especially if you were a hardworking Midwestern farmer or housewife in your younger years.

• Validation of who they are and what they have to offer. They need people who are happy to see them and someone to listen to their stories and wisdom.  

2. How can a younger person love an older person well?

• Take them seriously. They’re not children. Don’t talk down to them.

• Adapt in order to communicate. Talk louder. Lean in close so they can read your lips. Write pen and paper letters. If they’re able, teach them to use technology to communicate more easily.

• Visit them. Ask lots of questions and listen to the answers. Stay off your phone when you’re with them.

• Help them stay connected. Drive them to church, buy them a newspaper, or let them dictate an email to a relative overseas. Include them in gatherings and events.

• Give them work to do. When my dad stayed with us, he picked grapes, cracked walnuts, snapped green beans, and thinned out the little green apples.

• Let them take a few risks. I let my dad get on a stepladder to work on the apple trees. I decided anyone who is 99 years old and still wants to get on a ladder should be allowed to do so. I also let him take walks down the road even though the neighbors would call me in consternation.

Simon Schrock:

1. What have you found most difficult about getting older?

• Feeling pushed aside. Many years ago, I had lunch with a retired missionary couple, and he made a comment that stuck in my emotional memory. I believe he felt he was an old model that was being pushed aside and was no longer needed or useful. I have now tasted that experience myself and needed the grace of God to be forgiving and live joyfully for Him.

• Physical challenges. My peripheral nephropathy makes walking, standing, writing more difficult. Just getting my stockings on is now a chore.

2. What are your favorite parts of getting older? 

• Lighthearted comments about aging. I enjoy answering the standard question, “Oh how are you, Mr. Schrock?” I usually tell them, “Upright if I’m careful, I still enjoy nourishment, and I’m happy serving the Lord. . . . That’s the short version. The long version takes a BIG cup of coffee, maybe sitting six feet apart.”

• Time in the mornings. Rather than rushing off to work at 6:00 A.M, I bring my wife coffee, then spend time praying and reading the Word.

• Living one year at a time. Ten years ago, after about two weeks in the hospital recovering from chemo, I drove the back road from my office and saw daffodils. I praised the Lord for the privilege of seeing them one more time. Now, every spring as I drive out the driveway and see the daffodils again, I stop and praise the Lord for another such blessing.

• Touches of grace. I get a lot of what I call “a touch of grace from God through others” (2 Cor. 12:9). They come in notes, cards, phone calls, unexpected visits, and many other ways.

3. How have you felt supported by younger friends?

• Being adopted as “grandparents” by other young persons.

• Receiving a friendly hello with a big smile.

• When friends take us along for a rare meal out.

• When folks hold the door open when they see me wobbling toward it.

• Being part of a small group Bible study and prayer group of all ages.

• When a certain young father makes a special effort to come and visit with me after church.

• When a grandson made a trip to our house to inform us of a friendship he’d begun with a girlfriend.

• When friends bring a snack to eat with us.

• When the young neighbor boys willingly do chores that need done.

• And, of course, the loving helping hand from our children and those precious grandchildren.

Whether you are a young person with an old friend or an old person with a young friend, how would you say we can love our aging friends well?

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Dorcas Smucker blogs about many things, including caring for her dad, at Life in the Shoe. She has authored numerous books highlighting her life as a Mennonite mom and preacher’s wife in Oregon. The books are available through her website and on Amazon. Her dad also wrote a book titled A Chirp from the Grass Roots, also available through her website.

Simon Schrock is one of the founders of Choice Books of Northern Virginia. He has authored several books himself, including an autobiography called Good Enough and Bad Enough to be a Preacher Someday, and contributed to Senior Moments with God. See more of his books on Amazon.

Turtle Heart, the story of my friendship with Charlene, is coming out this spring. If you are already subscribed to my blog, you will hear about launch day details as they develop. If you are not subscribed and want to be, drop me your email address below.

Feature photo by Nick Karvounis on Unsplash.