Learning from Those We Are Trying to Help

When I became friends with Charlene, I did so for two reasons: 

1. I was intrigued by her and wanted to know her better. 
2. I viewed her as needy and wanted to help her. 

While both can be legitimate reasons to start a friendship, the second reason, when misused or mishandled, can end up damaging the person I am trying to help. If I view myself as always the giver, the other person as always the needy, my perspective hurts both of us. I learned, during the course of my friendship with Charlene, that she had as much to give me as I had to give her, although in different ways. 

Later, when I attended Personal Workers Training Camp under Northern Youth Programs, I learned a related concept. We were taught to meet other cultures with an open mind and a spirit of humility. Too often, missionaries assume their own cultural and spiritual practices are superior to those of the people they serve, and that attitude can be incredibly damaging to everyone involved.

I asked a missionary friend from the North to share his perspective on the importance of learning from those we are trying to help. While my questions and his answers refer to missionaries, the same principles can be applied in any relationship. 

The concept of having a learning attitude, he said, “starts with our own perspective of who we are in the sight of God.” 

Since we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, no missionary is much different than the people he or she is called to serve. There might be differences in amounts that individuals have reached out to God for mercy and redemption, but not much difference in starting points. 

However, many people from Western Christian backgrounds have a hard time comprehending their own neediness. They have no idea how to function when they are not dominant and in control of their world, wealth, power, family, image, etc. In fact, they usually think they deserve what good they have rather than really recognizing that God has been particularly gracious to them. This leaves them entering missions with an honest desire to help people, but from a point of being superiorly equipped or powerful to manage their own needs. They fail to see how those they serve might have better answers in some areas than they do. 

How can an attitude of having all the answers harm both missionaries and recipients?

• Bitterness. The missionaries will find that the answers they have are shallow, don’t all work, or that they apply to questions the people are not asking. This leaves the missionary offended and bitter.

• Codependency. The missionary needs people to have needs in order to see himself or herself as a person of value. This cycle of needing people to be needy so the missionary has a meaningful life is known as a cycle of codependency. Usually it ends in everyone involved merely getting better at taking advantage of each other. Bitterness grows like a weed with a nasty root system. It is likely that this lays an ideal foundation for abuse and other really nasty evils.

• Wasted value and disconnection. Missionaries that have all the answers see a need in the people they are trying to help, but fail to see their strength. To the recipient, it comes across as if their best and highest value is meaningless. People who sense that their important values are marginalized will never become friends with those who do not appreciate those important values. Imagine you went to the dentist for a sore tooth and he failed to see your eyes, and blinded you to gain access to your sore tooth. It’s best if the dentist values what is good about your health before he starts drilling on a sore tooth. 

• Misuse of power. The recipients are left feeling conquered rather than strengthened, especially if the social norms involve a power differential. Missionaries have been used for centuries to spread the social structures of a society that is trying to gain control over another group of people. 

• Confusion and fragmentation. In the context of Conservative Anabaptist people groups, we often see each flavour of church form in foreign mission settings. However, what is important in the US in order to differentiate between tribal groups of Mennonites is utterly meaningless in the other culture. Forcefully attributing meaning to a certain cultural practice in the recipient culture, even though the practice has its roots in another culture, is a form of confusion that misses the point of the Gospel. The attitude of having all the answers artificially fragments Christian groups from each other and creates confusion for the recipient culture. The craziest thing I have seen is a missionary refusing to attend the only church in town for years because it was not the right kind of church. 

How does a learning attitude benefit both missionaries and recipients?

• Rich friendships. Start by making friends from other cultures who support you in your real life neediness. Let friends in other cultures bless you their way when you have important family events. Listen to friends that tell you or show you different ways of dealing with issues. Your friends will be open to hear from you because you are open to hear from them. 

• Freedom to acknowledge need. It is freeing to be allowed to have human needs instead of needing to maintain an image of artificial superiority or perfection. 

• Better teamwork among missionaries. Relaxed missionaries are key to smoother running staff teams and organizations. Those that are uptight and need to have the answers can’t relax and enjoy their coworkers very long. 

• Lives that are valued. Being a learner automatically implies to the person you are working to serve that they are important. Most people don’t feel important, and when you do something that makes them feel important, they pay attention to how they live. Godly living becomes more in focus when things matter. 

What are some warning signs that I have an attitude of pride or condescension, rather than an attitude of learning and humility? 

• Lack of respect for others. Mutual respect is not normal in society. Pretty much everyone thinks they are better than somebody. Tribal cultures, nations of the world, neighboring businesses, neighboring churches, neighboring families, and even societies try to dominate each other, but this is not the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

• Broken relationships that are all the other person’s fault. The best measure of the lack of humility and teachableness is when we look back in life and see a string of broken relationships and it is all the other person’s fault.

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I will always be grateful for my friendship with Charlene and for all that I learned from her. Turtle Heart, the story of the friendship that changed us both, is coming out this summer. If you are already subscribed to my blog, you will hear about launch day details as they develop. If you are not subscribed and want to be, drop me your email address below.