I’ve been moping around a lot lately.
And by that, I don’t mean I’ve been wallowing in the depths of despair. Something much shallower than that.
Worrying and wasting time, mostly.
I’ll be honest and say that there is nothing on earth that should be wrong with me. I am living one of the most fulfilling and exciting times of my life.
I am at home in beautiful Rusk County with my family–and I’ve grown old enough to appreciate just how great that is.
I am involved in local jail ministry which I have found to be deeply fulfilling.
My first book will be published in less than two months. Being a published author is a dream I have worked toward for many years.
I have plans for the future that to me are very exciting.
And yet . . .
I worry.
I find myself nervous about when my book comes out, wondering if people who care about me will be disappointed and the people who don’t care . . . well, they still won’t care. Their eyes will be hard and cold as they pass me over for more exciting authors with deeper, more thrilling things to say.
I was thrilled when I finished the book–when I perfected those last few words on my computer screen and knew that it was done and that I, from my own head and with my own ten fingers, had created something unique . . . but I dread seeing it in print. It feels as though my privacy will be violated, that people who don’t even know me will receive the right to criticize me.
I obsess over every pre-publishing review, hating every slightly negative comment. A three-star rating on Goodreads–as opposed to a four or a five–has the potential to throw me off balance for days.
I think over the choices and decisions I am making for my future and wonder if they are the right ones, the worthy ones.
Wonder if I will lose money, lose heart, lose faith, lose time, lose respect, lose opportunity, lose the life I dream about.
I fear.
The fear is like a ton of rocks that weighs me down, keeps me immobilized.
And the many different little things I know I need to accomplish for the next stage in my journey–they scatter across my mind like granite scattered across a field. The field is big and dusty, and the granite, some of it half buried, is covered in dirt, difficult to see. I wonder where to start and how to get it all done when I’ve never done it before and if I shouldn’t just go to bed instead. That would be easier.
But then . . .
it would be pretty stupid just to go to bed, wouldn’t it?
Nothing would get done, ever. The granite would still be scattered across the field, the ton of rocks across my heart.
And the sky is so blue and so beautiful. The dirt so rich, the grass so pungent with growth.
Life lies just ahead.
I would be stupid to waste it.
I have plenty of experience with both picking rocks and pre-publishing nerves, but I never ever thought to correlate the two.
My voice may not outweigh a negative reviewer’s, especially if it’s in Publisher’s Weekly or something fancy like that, but please know that no matter what anyone says or doesn’t say about your book, I believe in it and in you.
Thank you, Dorcas. Coming from you, that means a lot.
This post struck a chord with me…. I get the feeling of receiving good things… things you dreamed of and worked for yet feeling somehow like it was ruined by real life n people n my own attitude and worry. This post made me want to cry because I understand so well the gratefulNess of my life… yet the fact that I just want to go to bed now bury my mind in the covers to get rid of the badness that there is. A verse that I think of a lot lately is EVERY good gift is from above! Think on that….. God has given so many good gifts and he loves you. Proud of you n your book! Jennie
Thank you. That is a good verse. I love to look at the doors God has opened for me and the opportunities He creates. Makes me feel so loved and supported. I think change and new things, even if they are good things, are always a bit difficult for us humans to face because there is an element of uncertainty in them that scares or makes us sentimental and sad for what was past. I understand very well why you would have mixed feelings right now. I would be there, too. Good to have the love and support of my family. :) Love you!
Besides it being silly to waste it you also must realize that in the end Gods approval is the one you’re seeking. Other people’s approval ratings are really too fickle to even consider. But all that to say never fear I can’t wait to read it! God bless!
Very true. Exactly what I needed to hear.
You struck a cord with me also! I am in the process of writing a book and am scared for the very same reasons you sited! Thanks for the encouragement! 😊
It’s nice to know so many people can relate. And also a bit humbling because it reminds me I am not so special. We are all in this human thing together.
Been there, done that. By the time I finish a book I’m am so tired of reading it again and again it’s boring and I’m sure it’s no good. Your pre-publication jitters are normal and much like wedding jitters. I got so scared the morning of my wedding I almost backed out. Just relax, forget about yourself and your reputation. What people think doesn’t matter. If you’ve done what God wants you to do, that’s all the approval you need.
I know, right? :) I am pretty much sick to death of the thing. That makes me laugh about the morning of your wedding. Great advice.
Dear Lucinda :) I would call this The angst of the artist. I say this because when we create something that will leave our hands, our mind and reside in the public domain, we no longer have control. When we are fully in control we feel safer, we can keep our creation tucked away, where we alone critique it and judge it to be good or bad. Believe it or not (as a soap maker/apothecary maker) I too feel this !! which in my case probably seems ridiculous, hello !! we are only talking about soap and body butter or a herbal salve :) The only way I deal with it these days (as I’ve been doing it a few years now), is to offer it to the Lord first; asking for His blessing over the work of your hands/mind etc. Let His will be done in and through it. While criticism may come, you can sift through that and only hold on to what you believe is genuine and true. There will always be people that are negative for negative sake. I would like to buy your book..and will get around to it at some stage. I just have a stack I am working through right now :) !! God’s blessings over your artist heart (you are not alone). God loves you and gave you your gift, knowing you have the strength to carry it :)
Wow, so much wisdom here. Somehow it makes me feel better that even the creation of soap causes anxiety for the creator. It’s all part of the process then, and I can deal with that. Offering it to God is exactly the place to start.
Bravo! You finished your book! I’m sure it feels incredibly vulnerable to share it with the public, because the thinga we create are so personal. Your honesty inspires me! Blessings!
Thank you, Ruth Anna.
I hope someday to read your book! I haven’t worked on mine for months. I think I have an attitude toward it. :-0 And now I’m moving, so it’ll have to wait.
LOL. It will come when the time is right. If you’re like me, sometimes it works best to set something aside until you have time to focus on it. I find it hard to write from a scattered mind.
I don’t have new, wise, or witty words to add to all the other commenters. But I love your beautiful way of writing and I pretty much always identify with all of your posts. I love this one very much. We picked a lot of rocks as kids, so this resonates with me. I’m so excited about reading your book! I pray for peace in your heart and joy in just being who you are.
Thank you, Luci. Those are very encouraging words.
I really like how the photos paint a detailed picture of the “in-between” words. I know I’ve been here…in my field of unmoved rocks.
I for another can’t wait to read your book…I have been anxiously waiting! :) Your writings are some I really connect with and I am sure your book will be more of the same. I understand your jitters/worries though…but I believe many will be blessed by your book. God bless each step ahead…
Lucinda
“O Light that foll’west all my way,
I yield my flick’ring torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.”
I really love this song! One of my favorites.
Those stones are never ending after every plowing every year. We have miles of stone fences on our property, no exaggeration. I’ve never published anything and I can’t imagine myself doing so. Looking forward to reading your book.