Merry Christmas from our little family to you! And yes, that is a second baby in our family photo, a baby that may be a surprise to you if you follow me only on my blog and are not an in-person acquaintance. That’s Theodore Jonas Kinsinger, the reason for my long silence here. He was born November 7, at 4 lbs 3 oz, 16 in long, and almost 8 weeks early. Teddy will be seven weeks old tomorrow, but I tend to forget that and remember instead that he was 39 weeks gestation this past Sunday and we are almost…ALMOST…to his projected due date on December 31st.

He is doing well and growing nicely, thank you for asking.

Sometime soon I will tell a more complete story of his birth and share pictures, but for now, I want to share the Christmas article I wrote for Anabaptist World, in which I tell part of the story and–from the perspective of a mother who’s just given birth to a son–reflect on what Mary must have felt those long years ago.

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Following a grueling trek across the country, by donkey or by foot, Mary gave birth.

Following a grueling trek across the country by airplane and by car, I also gave birth. Theodore arrived almost eight weeks prior to his due date and—though the circumstances surrounding my labor were different than Mary’s—our son’s birth was in its own way unexpected, traumatic, and miraculous.

We had just returned from an early November visit to my parents five states away. At breakfast time the following morning, I started timing regular contractions. By the time we gathered a few things together, dropped our toddler daughter off with a sitter, and arrived at the hospital’s OB department, I was doubled over in strong labor.

Teddy had decided not to wait for his scheduled arrival date. He was coming and coming now.

Through IV, doctors gave me magnesium to slow the contractions and steroids to strengthen his lungs. The steroids needed six hours to be fully effective—and my labor would never delay that long—but maybe the magnesium would buy us a couple of hours, the doctor said. 

Many people prayed, and by the grace of a gift-giving God, Teddy waited not two just hours, but seven to make his appearance.

From birth he needed only minimal assistance with breathing and was weaned from his c-pap completely several days later.  In the next two weeks, he passed through miles of development, moving from an incubator to a crib and learning to coordinate sucking and swallowing. Just before he hit 35 weeks gestation, Teddy’s doctors released him to come home.

Now he is here with us, and I am amazed to see this tiny person, who should still be floating in amniotic fluid in the safety of my womb, doing all the things a baby must do to live in the great world.

I had thought he would be a Christmas baby. I had looked forward to waiting through the quiet days of Advent for him to arrive, thinking—as Mary must have thought—contemplative thoughts about nurturing and motherhood.

God never gave me that chance.

Like all the best gifts he has given me, he gave Teddy in an unexpected way at an unexpected time and, for good measure, double wrapped the package with a season of stretching and growth. For two and a half weeks, Ivan and I scrambled and stretched to meet the needs of our two babies—a two-year-old and a newborn—in two different places an hour apart. There were hours spent rushing between hospital and home, interrupted nights in a busy hospital, the agony of our little family separated, our daughter missing her mom.

But along with his hard gifts, God gave grace.

And I wonder…those quiet days of Mary’s waiting were maybe a myth in my head. Mary’s pregnancy and delivery also were nothing like what she must have expected and hoped for.

Pregnancy carried her through tremendous stress, through ostracism from loved ones. The circumstances of her son’s birth were less than ideal. Did she have an experienced midwife to coach her, or did she push out her baby with only her husband—who had never seen a birth in his life—to help her? Whatever the case, she must have concentrated—like me—on nothing but her baby, straining every muscle to deliver him safely into the world. And like me—after he came out red and squalling, after she felt his chest warm against hers—she must have loved him.

Did she realize she would love him deeply, love him always, respect him as a man-to-be—not because he was Messiah, but because he was her son?

To hold God, to hold a human baby…what does it matter? To a mother, both are miraculous.

To see the tiny mouth open, expectant, like a bird. To feel the first sharp nibbles on a breast and to know that this tiny baby somehow knows that you are his mother and knows where and how to get his milk. We both experienced this miracle, Mary in her first century stable, I on the seventh floor of a twenty-first century hospital.

Mary’s gift, like mine, was double wrapped. She knew the miracle of holding her baby, of holding Messiah. Later she felt the piercing of a sword to her heart at what her child must endure. She would gladly have died for him, would have preferred it that way. Instead, he died for her. I think there is nothing in the world that could break a mother’s heart like that.

Maybe God’s best gifts are always unexpected, always miraculous, always traumatic. Even the gift of a son to his mother.

The post Christmas Babies and Double-Wrapped Gifts appeared first on Lucinda J Kinsinger.

In my life and relationships, I’ve struggled with knowing how to set good boundaries. It took me a long time even to realize I NEEDED boundaries. That’s why the following guest post by Sarah Martin resonated with me. Sarah writes a newsletter called Life Stuff where she explores topics of depth and beauty. The following post is Part 2 of her Boundary Benefit series. If you’re interested in reading Part 1, or in subscribing to her newsletter, shoot Sarah an email at livelovewriteit[at]gmail.com. I am one of Sarah’s recent subscribers and am very glad I signed up!

Sarah says some of the following thoughts come from the book Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkeurst.

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Why are boundaries a good thing? 

It helped me to think about it this way: When I establish a relationship with someone, I am granting them access to my heart. But access requires responsibility. And if someone is not mature or respectful enough to be responsible and trustworthy with the access I give them to my heart, then they are not worthy of that access.

God operates in this way as well. His love is unconditional, but when sin entered the garden of Eden (because Adam and Eve crossed a boundary), access to God became restricted. In Isaiah 59:1,2 God says, “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God: your sins have hidden his face from you…” (NIV)

Here’s another quote from Good Boundaries and Goodbyes:

“If people are constantly annoying us, frustrating us, exhausting us, or running all over us, chances are we either don’t have the right kind of people in our life or we don’t have the right kind of boundaries… Good boundaries bring relief to the grief of letting other people’s opinions, issues, desires, and agendas run our life.”

 So setting healthy boundaries is a kind thing to do, both for myself and for the other party. The other party might not understand the boundary at first—maybe not ever—but I know that if I don’t set it, I will come to resent them and the way they invade and take over my life. Although I can’t control their reactions when I set a boundary, my emotional health is something I can take control of by doing so.

But if we are here to serve and to love, isn’t it selfish to decide that we’ve had enough?

I’m not talking about totally cutting people out of our lives. Please don’t take this as permission to flee responsibility. But I am saying that there is a danger that we may be helping others for fulfillment, instead of serving from a place of fulfillment.

It helps me to think of it this way: If I overwhelm my schedule and over-commit myself emotionally, I lose the ability to love others well.

It might feel easier to go along with the other person’s expectations in order to keep peace, rather than dealing with the fallout of addressing the issues. And that may work for a while. But resentments will simmer and eat away at you until eventually, there will be an emotional explosion you’ll regret. When the anger and frustration gets the best of us, we are no longer living like Jesus would have us to.

We need to understand the areas where we can find this balance.

·       For example, you might decide that with a certain person, you will only talk face to face instead of messaging in order to remain emotionally balanced and in control of your own reactions.

·       With that person who repeatedly asks for help, instead of always catering to it all, you might give them one or two specific areas where you can help.

 ·       You might be able to have an honest conversation with that person who holds you responsible for their happiness, and kindly point out that you need to step back in the relationship.

Setting a boundary will not look the same for each person, nor be the same in each situation. The key is to prayerfully let your action be one of Spirit guidance and not of selfishness. 

Edward and I learned valuable lessons in spite of the hard situations we dealt with. But I see in looking back that had we established some good boundaries earlier, we could have avoided some of the despair, helplessness, and burnout.

What’s the difference between a healthy boundary and a selfish one? A Christian counselor named Jim Cress says:

“A good boundary is focused on what I do. Its motivation is self-control—I am responsible for my actions; I manage my behavior, and I take ownership for my actions. I focus on the things in my life that I can control.

A bad boundary is focused on what the other person does. It wants to punish or control the person who has hurt me. I want them to be different; I have to change their behavior; I’m owning the actions they choose. I’m hyper-focused on them and always negotiating and trying to motivate them to get them to do what I think they should. The relationship becomes no longer satisfying but rather a drain on my constantly frazzled emotions.”

So, let’s say you’ve put up the good boundary. You’ve kindly explained to the other person the areas where your relationship needs to change. You’ve tactfully said “no” to the demands that are draining your energy and emotional health.

Remember that you still need to heal. “Things are better” does not mean “things are healed.” Healing from a manipulative or abusive relationship takes time—maybe lots of time. It’s normal to recoil from close interaction or to feel hesitant about initiating conversations and activities with the person who has hurt you. That’s okay. Be kind to yourself as you recover.

But it’s good to have at least one other objective person that you can talk to and debrief with. Be honest with someone safe about your feelings. Ask them to assess your reactions and speak into your battered emotions. Reality can get distorted when we’re hurting. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us whether we’re still reacting or looking at situations in light of past negative history. Obviously, this will be a mature person who won’t just tell you what you want to hear.

But do give yourself space. No, this is not always a selfish concept borrowed from secular counselors. It’s a necessary thing. Think about a broken limb that is protected by a cast. Think of Jesus going away alone to pray and recharge before once more facing the crowds.

For example: One day, someone who had recently battered my emotional equilibrium wanted to use my washing machine to finish a load of laundry when hers had given out. (I tell this story with the individual’s permission.) My first reaction would have been, “No! Don’t come into my space.” But I didn’t feel right about a flat ‘no.’ So I said she could come.

However, I knew about what time she would be coming. I didn’t feel able to face her. It was afternoon, so I had to put my baby to bed for his nap. I used this as an excuse to stay upstairs until she left. But up in that bedroom, I fought an inward battle. Should I go down? Was I just hiding, trying to avoid the inevitable time to begin the healing that deep down, I longed for? Was this silly?

Later, when I thought it was safe, I sneaked downstairs, feeling a little sheepish—and found a bag of carrots on the table. I needed carrots. I took this as an affirmation from God that I had done the right thing. And that maybe the other person wanted to move toward reconciliation as well, and understood my actions.

So small, but I believe God uses little things like this to affirm us and keep us from getting discouraged.

Boundaries are not only a good thing, they are a God thing. “He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?” (KJV) That’s boundaries.

I still have much to learn about loving people well by setting good boundaries. I realize, too, that this concept can’t be explored exhaustively in two thousand words. I’d love to hear from you if you have questions or input. And if you need to put some boundaries in place, I pray you will have the strength to do it.

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Sarah describes herself as an ordinary wife and mom with an extraordinary God. She loves photography, old buildings, books, and light in all its forms. Sarah celebrates life by writing about moments of grace, lessons she’s learning from her seven children, and family escapades among the lakes, rocks, and trees of Bancroft, Ontario. Subscribe to her newsletter by emailing her at livelovewriteit[at]gmail.com.

***Feature photo at the top credited to Lois Friesen.

The post The Boundary Benefit appeared first on Lucinda J Kinsinger.

Caught up in the busyness of summer and a writing deadline, I missed my weekly post last week…not that any of you are keeping track, I’ll bet. You are probably busy, too.

Summer is always the season that takes you off guard with how busy it really is. You look forward to bare feet and sunshine and campfires and cookouts and summer squash and blueberries; you conceive plans to take your daughter swimming and make her a sandbox and sit in the fresh green grass with her and play with puppies…and then your breath is taken away in the whirling, bountiful rush that is summer.

You volunteer to teach summer Bible school because teachers are needed and you want to be an active, contributing member in the church. You pick blueberries and green beans and put them in the freezer. You try to keep up with lawn mowing. You realize your writing deadlines are going to be more difficult to meet than you realized…and by this time summer is maturing to mid-July and you’re planning a trip to a family reunion, wondering if you’ll ever get around to making that sandbox, and thinking to yourself that she’s really too young to enjoy swimming yet anyway.

So goes summer, a season that astounds us with both its bounty and its busyness.

With that being said, I plan to take a break from blogging for the month of August…and we’ll see what happens in the month of September. I already have a post or two in mind I want to share with you, and I like the stability of having that writing-and-sharing incentive, although keeping up with it can be challenging. So when September comes, I’ll see how I’m feeling about the state of affairs and let you know. :)

Before I go, I want to share a few of my favorite photos from this past month and also a few of my favorite lines from the gratitude journal I’ve been keeping. I highly recommend keeping such a journal and–if you haven’t read it yet–the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

• Cold small feet against my leg through my dress in the morning
• A child’s colorful crayon scribbles
• The precise shape of my two-year-old’s lip as she concentrates
• Small sounds of morning, the creak of a chair, scratch of pencil and crayons
• The first tart taste of orange juice

• The varied shades of red in the roses Ivan brought me
• Molasses cookies dipped in milk
• Round fat little girl toes
• Clothes on the line on a sunny day
• My dried purple sea-lavender on the kitchen windowsill

• Ivan and I planting flowers together
• The hay scent of Annalise’s hair
• Peonies bending the bush
• Coffee mugs, each with a different personality
• Sunday evening golf cart rides

• Blonde fine little girl hair like fairy dust in the wind
• Naps
• Him bending over her, dark against blonde, going brrrrrr on her little round head
• Smiles–friendly, shy, peeking from faces in every culture
• A cardinal on a fence post

The post Bounty and Busyness in the Month of July appeared first on Lucinda J Kinsinger.

My sister planted a tree when she was a child—the tree you see pictured in the feature photo above. Now it is an adult tree, grown tall and slender as a young woman—as my sister herself—but still with many layers of wood to add to wood, many green leaves to shoot forth as it matures. For now, though, the tree is perfect in its season.

And that’s what I told my sister when she called yesterday, worrying she wasn’t enough, as all of us do at some time or another—not mature enough, not spiritual enough, not close to God enough, not filled-with-the-Spirit enough like that sister over there.

“You are perfect in your season,” I told my sister. “Not perfect as in finished, with no growth left. But perfect as in what you should be in this season now. Growth comes from God and is not something you can achieve. You can only open to receive it…that’s how growth comes.”

That was my encouragement to her, and that is my encouragement to you, blog readers. The growth of a spirit and the work of the Holy Spirit in a life is gentle, like rain in its season. But for all its gentleness, there is nothing so sure, steady, and relentless as growth in fertile soil. Our job is to open and wait. And it is God who gives the increase.

The post A Tree Perfect in Its Season appeared first on Lucinda J Kinsinger.

A robin contemplates, still as a statue on the lawn. He regards the world long in profile and then turns and regards it a while facing me. Now he hops across the lawn, jerkily slowly, pausing often.

This is me also in life right now. Contemplating. Hopping jerkily across deadlines but listening, thinking in between.

Prayer. How to become a woman of prayer, like my Great-grandma Miller, who sat in the very rocking chair that sits in my living room and prayed for her wild child son and his wayward friends. Her son gave his life to the Lord, and so did his friends. Several became pastors, and one became a missionary who worked for Wycliffe, translating the Bible so that some unreached group could read it in their mother tongue.

And me with barely time or desire to pray. It takes so much effort, and where are results? As the world mourns with rusty mouths around me.

Gratitude. I am reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp, reading slowly and treasuring the words, and starting my own gratitude list.

Miracles. We were recently honored by visitors from India, and it is always so encouraging to hear the stories of how God is working in a place halfway across the world. Someone said there should be a book called “The Acts of the Indian Apostles,” a sequel to the first book of Acts. Maybe I will write a book like that someday.

Childhood. Every day I smile when I see her round sweet face and kiss her soft cheek. Especially on days like today when she is happy and giggly and full of the best kind of life. Somedays I grow weary and wish I could do my own thing, think my own thoughts, uninterrupted. But I always remember what Ivan tells me: “You’re the one who wanted children so bad.” He’s right. I did, desperately, and still do. Sometimes I dread the intense schedule and changing routine a second child will bring, but I never doubt I want the baby.

Margin. That is my word for this year. I practice margin by taking naps when I want them (provided Annalise is napping, too) and making sure I take at least a little time to read (almost) every day. Book reading, not social media or magazines. I love stories. I love the place of rest and release and imagination and exploration a book takes my mind. If I don’t read, I listen to audiobooks.

I still have a hard time with priorities, though. That is a big part of margin. Deciding what is important and cutting the rest. I have a very, very, very, very, very hard time with that.

And speaking of childhood, today Annalise and I were picking up her crayons—big toddler-sized crayons with lids. We found lids for all the crayons except the black one. “Where is the black lid?” I asked, looking for it. Annalise had a good idea. She took the lid of the purple crayon and put it on the black crayon—only to discover we still had a lid missing!

LOL. I love watching her problem-solving skills develop.

P.S. The feature photo above shows a joint effort. My two-year-old daughter’s drawing skills are not THAT advanced for her age, while my own skills are less than rudimentary for mine.

The post A Robin Contemplates, and So Do I appeared first on Lucinda J Kinsinger.