I last posted seven weeks ago.
In the intervening time a lot has happened. I finished a college class while caring for my own little family and helping to care for Ivan’s dad. During those weeks, Ivan’s dad grew weaker and further away from us in mind. As my dear Native friend Charlene would have expressed it, Grandpa “walked on” on Monday, February 7, 2022.
When Ivan and I stood in the viewing line at a local church, next to Grandma and Ivan’s siblings and Grandpa’s body lying in the casket, one of the guests who came through to give condolences expressed well what one feels at a time like this. He said he had lost one of his own parents to dementia and slowly declining health. “I was saying good-bye for years,” he said.
Yes. And in the end, when you see your loved one escape the shell of the body that was not really them, you are sad, but relieved mostly. You hated to see the empty eyes and the flaccid hands and the body that would never again stand to its feet this side of heaven.
This is even more true for Ivan than for me. I never knew his dad when his mind was completely whole. I knew him when he could walk, though, and when he could make quiet joking comments with a keen-eyed smile that reminds me of Ivan, looking back on pictures now.
Here is a picture of Grandpa as he was when I first met him, taken the evening before mine and Ivan’s wedding in November 2019.
He is standing with Dorothy, Ivan’s stepmom and Annalise’s beloved Grandma.
Jonas’s first wife was called Ida. We named our daughter after her: Annalise Ida. Here is a picture of Jonas, Ida, and Ivan when Ivan was 14 or 15 years old and sporting the gangly body and big hair of (almost) all adolescents. (About half the hair is actually shadow, by the way.)
Ida had a mental illness that made Ivan’s childhood unusual. He spent a lot of time with his dad, and they grew very close.
Grandpa was a man of few words, but he was a faithful and kind man who enjoyed serving others, whether that was helping out on someone’s farm or picking up clothes from a thrift store to drop off at the local CAM clothes sorting center. He didn’t have many hobbies, but he was a careful observer, and when he was too old to get around anymore, spent many hours just watching. He’d ride around in his golf cart and watch farm activities, and he’d look out the window next to his armchair, watching the birds and the weather and the cars going by on the road.
That part of him…the part that found enjoyment in watching…also reminds me of Ivan.
Although Annalise won’t remember her Grandpa Jonas, I am grateful that she met him, and that he acknowledged her in quiet ways like saying “Boo” to her and holding out his finger for her to play with and worrying that she’d get her fingers caught in the register grate. Here are a few of my favorite photos of them together.
And another photo I like for its cozy hominess, with a light shining from the corner. Ivan’s other siblings were involved in Grandpa’s care along with Ivan and Grandma and me, but since we lived closest, we were there more often than the rest. For that reason, I often felt we were a family, the five of us: Ivan and Annalise and I in our farmhouse, and Grandpa and Grandma in their trailer just across the yard.
The last several weeks of Grandpa’s life were difficult, as his needs grew and time spent caring for him competed with time spent working on school. Caretaking takes an emotional as well as a physical toll, and Ivan and I both felt that.
But I am so glad we were able to care for him in his own home and didn’t have to send him to a nursing home. All the family wanted that.
Now that Grandpa is gone, I am building new routines for my days, and that feels a little scary, but also deeply liberating. I finished my second-to-last college class just last week and won’t take the final class until May.
I breathe the air, and the air tastes great.
You are a gifted writer, thanks for sharing “tis story” with us. Our sympathy to you and Ivan & the family.
Thank you, Bertha.
Oh Lucinda and Ivan,
I am so sorry for your loss😪😪😪. Sending my deepest condolences. I will keep Grandpa Jonas in my prayers. My our Lord give you comfort and peace. Sending healing hugs
Thank you so much Ute.
What a sweet, sweet post. Blessings to you as you find new rhythms and fulfill other purposes.
Thank you.
Blessings as you move on and find out what life looks like in a new normal. Thanks for writing, you did well sharing the hard parts of this story while still respecting peoples privacy. That is hard to do.
Thank you.
Blessings to you and yours as you find a new normal. I’m sure you are finding God‘s grace is sufficient.
Yes we are. And thank you.
You took such wonderful care of dad!! ❤️Thank you and blessings as you find a new normal!💕
Thanks Rhoda. Your encouragement and support has always meant a lot.
I had seen that your father-in-law passed away and was looking forward to reading your perspective. Well-done.
Yes, care-giving is exhausting, though it is a privilege. And what a blessing when others share the load, as my and Ivan’s siblings did.
Somehow, the extra time I thought I would have after the passing of my mother looked different than I had expected. Part of me was still processing the loss, and other things kind of filled in the time. I did not have time to twiddle my thumbs. But it was different.
What a gift for him that your daughter and her grandpa could interact. Though she won’t remember him, you have documented some of their interaction with photos, notes, and your memory.
God bless you for generously and willingly helping with your father-in-law’s care. I’m glad you got learn to know him as soon as you did, where it is easier to picture him at his prime than if you had learned to know him after more significant decline.
Blessings to you in your new normal. Linda Rose
It seems that time always always fills. But mine is more relaxed now, and for that I am grateful. It is such a gift to us that Annalise had the chance to meet her Grandpa! The pictures of them together will be treasured.
Thank you for sharing, Linda Rose.
Condolences to you, Ivan, and Ivan’s family. Thank God for the promise to believers of eternity with Him!
Thank you, Sarah.
What a lovely tribute. My prayers for you and your family.
Thank you Sarah
This was beautiful! Blessings as you grieve and find your new normal.
Thank you.