Trending Today: A Nation’s Cry to Turn Off Lawn Mowers and Save the Grass

There is a movement afoot in America. Very hip, trendy, mod, all that. And it’s green. Can’t forget about the green. This movement takes us back–straight back–to the bosom of warm mother earth. It’ll probably rebuild the ozone layer. This movement is greener than grass.

Oh, yeah, it is grass.

In writing this blog post, I am taking up the rapidly spreading, ever reverberating cry of our nation: Save the grass!

Leave your lawn mower in the garage or lawn shed this weekend. Go fishing. Throw your fish back. And spread the word among your neighbors and friends: Save the grass! Do not mow. Below, I enumerate ten reasons.

1. Grass is friendly to the environment. Bugs, mosquitoes, larvae. All these creatures that are so important to our ecology thrive best in a long-grass climate. Thousands of animal homes are destroyed when the grass is mowed.

2. Plants breathe oxygen into the atmosphere. Grass is a plant. We all need oxygen. Go figure.

3. Lawn mower fumes are harmful to the environment. It is true that lawn mowers are one of the smaller gas-run machines in our nation. But what they lack in size they make up in quantity. Millions of people ride or push their lawn mower for several hours every week. Millions add up quickly. A scientific study confirms that on weekends, the air over southwestern desert states contains a lower concentration of carbon dioxide than does the air over more grassy states. Weekdays, when lawn mowers are more likely to stay in garages, the difference in carbon dioxide concentration lessens. This scientific study, because of its revolutionary nature, has not yet been hypothesized or carried out.

4. Lawn mower noise annoys the neighbors, frightens the innocent little creatures that inhabit the grass, and harms the ear drums when, as so often happens, ear plugs are not employed.

5. Dandelions. These beautiful yellow flowers grace our grassy landscapes for thousands of miles across the country. To destroy such beauty is sacrilege.

6. Mowing the lawn damages the economy. It does this by wasting valuable hours that American laborers could put to gainful employment or to gathering strength for tomorrow’s job. With depleted strength, American workers are inefficient and bumbling. Even more than they would be otherwise, that is. The ill effects of lawn mowing seem to increase with government workers.

7. Lawn mowing, because it adds to the workload of already over-stressed Americans, contributes to ill health. Worse, many people say that on days when they mow the lawn, they can’t find the time for a gym workout, treadmill, or jogging.

8. Lawn mowing is a direct attack on family togetherness. You will notice, if you think about it, that there have never, at any time, been two-seated riding lawn mowers or two-handled push mowers on the market. The implications are scary.

9. In the absence of lawn mowing, you will find you have more time to do what you’ve always been meaning to do. Find yourself. Paint a picture. Write a book. Audition on America’s Got Talent. A natural lawn encourages the arts.

10. The neighbors will think well of you. Post a sign in your natural lawn that states: “Ecological Studies Underway.” They’ll be impressed by your knowledge of science and your pioneering spirit. Perhaps your example will influence them to follow suit and…

Save the grass!