While togetherness is the thing that first comes to mind when I think of what I want to give my child, I think for Ivan it may be independence. At least I know he’s commented more than once that he wants Annalise to learn to think and do for herself.
When Ivan and I talk about teaching Annalise independence, we don’t mean handing her a mentality that says, “Me first. I need to be myself and do what I like, so make room for me.” We are talking about a sturdy mentality that is able to meet the issues of life with clear-thinking and self-reliance. We are talking about her being willing to try new things and to work hard for the things she wants to achieve. We are talking about her thinking for herself rather than just accepting the status quo.
Maybe it’s odd to talk about self-reliance as a conservative Mennonite value, since we are known for valuing unity and community. And it may be that an ability to think outside the box is an Ivan-and-Luci value more than a Plain-person value. But I think there is a sense where self-reliance is embedded into Plain culture. Plain people value their ability to care for themselves in community, whether that’s growing their own gardens or caring for their elderly. They tend to be suspicious of government meddling and the more traditional or conservative of the Plain people refuse to accept government aid.
I remember saying to one mom at Mountain View Mennonite Church, where Ivan and Annalise and I attend, that it scared me when Annalise tried to open and close a drawer because she could so easily pinch her fingers. And that mom said she knew how I felt, but she tried to save her worry for the things where the child could be seriously hurt and allow the child to find out on their own that a drawer could pinch their fingers.
This is HARD for a mama to do! But I do think it’s good advice. While I have never deliberately allowed Annalise to hurt herself and have prevented it when able, I HAVE deliberately allowed her to play in situations that were not without their hazards. By opening and closing drawers, she has discovered on her own that fingers can get pinched and knows how to hold her fingers at the right angle to prevent that. She has had many minor falls—off low chairs and couches, off the golf cart and–when she races ahead of me toward the house at top speed–onto our blacktop driveway. I have deliberately refrained from guarding her every move unless she is in a situation where she could seriously be hurt, like near fire or our long cement staircase. Annalise has had many bumps and tears, but she is also learning to take care of herself, and I think that is valuable for both of us. For her, it leads to a lifetime of self-reliance, for me an easier job as a mother because while she is learning to care for herself, I am learning to trust that she will.
Another way I attempt to build both her self-reliance and her sense of freedom is by keeping my “No’s” to a minimum and encouraging her to explore. I let her empty drawers to play, if it’s something that won’t be damaged, that won’t damage her, and that we can easily pick up afterward without needing to rewash. If I am ready to come inside and she wants to stay out, I let her play alone in a place where I can easily see her from the window. I don’t say anything when she is outside with her daddy and he lets her play with things I am skeptical of, and I smile when I see her trotting along behind him at a speedy pace while her mama might linger, encourage her onward, and hold her hand.
To foster her intellect, I read to her. Now, the sentences will linger in her brain and teach her rhythm and the flow of words. Later, they will teach her to think. As she grows older, I think that we will watch movies only occasionally. But we will read lots and lots of books.
YOUR TURN! How much do you value self-reliance? What are your tips and insights to foster it in a healthy way?
This post is part of a series, and you can read the introductory post here.
Check back tomorrow to hear my thoughts about children as normal in Plain Anabaptist culture.
This is such a tough one for me when it comes to my son. My hubby and I dealt with infertility for 11 years before being able to have our sweet boy, so it was and still can be very hard for me to let him be in situations that may be unsafe. I guess all the years of hard work I had put into trying to get pregnant and knowing I wouldn’t be able to have another child, I wanted to protect my precious gift! Now he is 13 years old and 6 foot 1 inches tall so he is hardly that small baby/toddler but my mama’s heart still has to work hard at letting him go and explore the world without worry or fuss.
Oh my goodness! That makes so much sense, and I understand your feelings completely. As much as I like to talk about self-reliance and how I am trying to foster it, at the end of the day, I just am and try to care for my daughter as best I know how.
I think this is such a valuable thing to teach! It’s so important for children to learn cause and effect/ responsibility and consequences. From a young age, it is so helpful to ask questions and invite dialogue, rather than to just set boundaries and make rules. Expectations are a part of this, I think. For example, I try to teach my school age children that I expect them to be responsible for their homework and studying for tests, etc. Sometimes that means letting them get a bad grade or face the consequences of forgetting an assignment. It’s a lot harder, in the moment, to step back and not micromanage, but you make your life (and theirs) so much easier in the long run!
Enjoying this series!
Asking questions and inviting dialogue, that sounds so healthy and something I want to work toward as Annalise gets older.
Those are very important values to teach! Growing up in a Christian home but still in the world, independence was taught but from a very different perspective; not necessarily one I’d care to pass on to my daughters, as it is more from a “do it yourself” “prove as a female you’re just as good” mindset. More emphasis was put on learning independence as a woman than the qualities of being humble and submissive in respectful attitudes, and that has proven to create numerous obstacles within the years of my marriage. I say no a lot to my girls rather than sit back and observe. This is something I’m actively working on, as well as being more submissive and honorable as a wife. We’ve got the hardworking bit down, but I want my girls to learn other Godly feminine qualities that are minimized in society. Thank you for doing what you do and writing on these topics!