Often, from mainstream culture, I hear references to adolescents and teens who “hate” their parents or don’t want to be seen with them. Then I think of how it was in my family growing up. We experienced none of the antagonistic “You-have-your-life-I-have-mine” attitude that seems to be a sort of normal in contemporary parent-teen relationships. I wonder what the difference is, and the main difference I can think of is that from the time we were tiny, we did everything together as a family. There was no inhabiting separate universes because there was no separate universe.
As children, we went to elementary school, but there was no day care for the Miller toddlers, and there were no afterschool programs that scattered the family in different directions. After school, we came home and joined in the family work and play, just like any other day. In the evenings we read or played, or when we got older, watched movies together as a family. As we got older and got jobs of our own and then smart phones, our evenings diverged more. But I deeply treasure the earlier memories, when almost every evening was spent together.
For Ivan and me, togetherness looks different. My parents worked together on the farm all their married life, but we have very separate job interests. I spend much of my time writing. Ivan farms, hauls things, and manages a mini barn shop. He works from home some days, but more often away. In the evenings, he often works at his computer until past Annalise’s bedtime and, after spending my morning writing, I am often scrambling to finish up dishes or laundry until her 8:00 bedtime. I am still trying to figure out what together should look like for us.
One thing I have realized is that together can come in the small moments. We may not spend every evening actively doing something together, but we do eat almost every breakfast and every supper together. While Ivan works at his computer after supper, Annalise either plays beside him or sits in his lap or stands on a chair at the sink to “help” me wash the dishes. Now and then, I call out a remembered bit of something I wanted to tell Ivan. Sometimes in the mornings he calls me to come out and look at a sunrise, or in the evenings at a moon, and the few moments standing together on the lawn are precious. When leaves piled on the lawn this autumn, Ivan lay down in them with Annalise and buried her in them, and I went out and lay beside them.
So while our evenings don’t often look like the ideal I earlier pictured in my mind–of a family sitting around reading, relaxing, and playing together–we have created a feeling of comfortable togetherness nevertheless. And even though neither Ivan nor I have jobs that crouch within carefully constrained hours, I like that I can usually rearrange my work to ride with him when he does a site check, or that he can rearrange his schedule to come with me to a writing conference or babysit Annalise for a few hours while I meet an appointment.
We don’t plan to put Annalise in daycare. But unlike my mom, I do utilize babysitters at times…for chiropractor appointments or at times I need to focus to meet a writing deadline. But I have also learned to work with her schedule. She plays most happily in the morning, so I work on writing in the morning and save housework, which I can involve her in, for afternoon. In this way, I waylay feelings of frustration over never having focus time to write and I am still able to care for Annalise most of the time myself without the help of a babysitter. Parenting is a continual negotiation, and if the Lord gives us more children, I am sure that routine will continue to change.
Another thing I consciously do is make Annalise a part of my work routine. When I am cooking or baking in the kitchen, I often set her on the cupboard to watch and I let her lick the beaters when I’m done. When I am washing dishes, I stand her on a chair beside me and let her dip her hands or spoon in the dishwater and play with the bubbles. Sometimes I hand her dishes to put in the dish drainer for me. When I am folding laundry and she hands me a piece, I encourage her by telling her “Thank you!” and “Good job.” When I am combing my hair, she hands me hairpins. When I am putting eggs from our chickens into a carton, I hand her the eggs, one at a time, and she places them in the carton. Although I could do all these things just as easily or more easily myself, I am trying to make her a part of my life by working with her and am hopeful that in time she will become a genuine help.
I remember when I was a young person and wanted to talk to my mom, she always had time to sit down and talk, even if it was a very busy day and she was trying to get ready for company. I want to grow toward that level of love and maturity. Even though I have a long way to go, one choice I consciously make is whenever Annalise wants to sit on my lap when I am at my computer, I don’t turn her away or try to distract her with other things. I pick her up and hold her, even though it makes writing more difficult. Even if I only hold her for a short time and then offer her something to play with on the floor, I try to pick her up and hold her when she asks.
Another thing I want to grow in is taking time to enjoy and play with my child. I think Ivan is good at this. I’ve noticed that when he spends time with Annalise, he enjoys observing her, watching her tiny motions, her picking up and putting down. He’ll take videos of her, say, dumping imaginary lotion from a bottle and rubbing it into her hands, while I tend to think, “Oh, that’s cute,” and hurry on by. The other day I read that love is spelled T-I-M-E, along with the story of a father who chose to give his teenage son thirty minutes a day for his birthday. Thirty minutes soon changed to a couple of hours a day as they deeply enjoyed their time together, and when the son’s birthday rolled around next year and his mom asked him what he wanted, he said, “I have everything I could want” (Just Jesus Them, Stahl). The story inspired me to start deliberately taking time in the evenings to play with and enjoy Annalise before bedtime, rather than hurrying to get my work done so I can put her to bed and have the evening to myself.
Togetherness and time go hand in hand. Togetherness is something that doesn’t need to take a lot of extra time, because you incorporate the child into your day. On the other hand, time–like the times my mom set aside from her busy day to talk to me when I wanted to talk–is equally important because it says, “You are more important than my work and my routine.” Togetherness and time go hand in hand to create a strong base of love and security for a child. Togetherness and time make it possible for a child to reach their adolescent and teen years without hating their parents. They make it possible, later on, for parents and teenagers to share conversation, trust, and mutual understanding.
Your turn! What insights or tips do you have on family togetherness? What have you learned from your own experiences?
Check back tomorrow to hear my thoughts on self-reliance.
I tried to always keep in mind, my children are created in the image of God, loaned to me for a season.
That is a beautiful perspective.
I am blessed to receive your thought that love is spelled “T-i-m-e”. It’s stopping what you’re thinking about and focusing that attention on someone else and their thinking.
Thank you for taking the “time” to express these thoughts in this blog post. That action could also be interpreted as a statement of giving to your fellow humans on this earth.
Thanks for that.
Perhaps you’re now one of these “influencers” that my kids are talking about? Wouldn’t that be something?
I was blessed to hear the thought about t-i-m-e from Just Jesus Them, a book a friend gave me, and then to pass it on to you all. An influencer… hmmm. Sounds sorta big and pretentious. 🤔Charlie Pride used to sing a song “I’m Just Me,” and I prefer to think of myself that way! But I suppose we are all influencers in one way or another.
You were very fortunate to have a functional Mennonite loving family Biblically Conservative but yet progressive and are not afraid of an education above 8th grade.
My husband and I are biblically conservative. There are churches in every denomination that coverup family abuse and criminal sexual abuse of family members. Anabaptists are not immune to this. I’m not talking about a spanking of a naughty child but a coverup of the fathers sexual assault of daughters. Three Brothers having sex a get sister pregnant. Church leaders with minors. Men with boys, Men with girls. The perpetrators all baptized church members. The victims all under 15 years old. Some as young as 3. Finally some one reports to the police and the perpetrator goes to prison. The ministry shuns for a while and pushes the unrepentant man to make a kneeing confession before the congregation and back in the fold. The victims are mentally damaged for life.
A lot of Christian women outside of Anabaptist find these “Amish Romance Fiction novels to be the norm.
Please don’t publish the following.
I know of two families, personally, picture perfect from the outside. Wife in plain dress and head covering trying so hard to reform her deviant husband.
I wrote the story to but you but deleted it although I did not call out the men by name and never will for the sake of the wives and children. This was all in local newspapers.
Just so sad. I hope I see some stories of women who endured such a childhood and overcame it and married and were able to raise a happy family.
With peace in Jesus name, friend Susan.
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Thank you for this, Susan. What sad stories, and wherever, however things like this happen, it’s important to make a place that feels safe to talk about it. I hope my blogging on parenting doesn’t set an idealistic image that shuts other people with different experiences up. That is not what I intend. I would love to publish the story of a woman who came through such a childhood and overcame it. If you know of one willing to share her story, please send her my way. :)
I grew up Mennonite too and togetherness does not always equate to closeness and happiness. Sometimes, it results in silence and shame and not even liking each other. I am so glad you had the ideal family as a Mennonite but they are not all that way. Physical and emotional abuse and unkindness are often hidden in Mennonite or Amish families and swept under the rug, hidden with a happy veneer because that is what is acceptable in the church. And it all looks so idealistic from the outside.
Yes, I remember that your story and family experiences were very different than mine. If I remember correctly, you felt a sense of isolation within your family, cut off from the other members in your conservative Mennonite church and dominated by your dad. Feel free to correct me and also to share a link to your books and writing. Thank you for bringing out an important point and sharing another side of what can happen in a Plain Mennonite home.
You have to start early, but it doesn’t guarantee a certain outcome. Seasons of life mean changes. Cultures with family togetherness typically promotes mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. Unhealthy family relations can turn all those things upside down!
Yes, well said. And I have a feeling that all the older grandmas and grandpas out there are shaking their heads and going, “Just let ’em grow up, honey. Things are never perfect. Give them love and hope for the best because that’s all any of us can do.”
Thanks!
A memory of togetherness that I have from my family is meal time. Somehow, even when we children all had jobs of our own and busy schedules, we managed to usually be around for the evening meal. Not always, but that’s how it was the majority of the time and I look back with very fond memories of those meals. It was common for us to sit there long after we were done eating- hashing about our day and getting into discussions (or arguments). And even now that all of us children are married it’s not uncommon for those of us who live close by to get together for a meal multiple times a month, even if it has to be quick. So maybe we bond best over food?? 😊
My mommy group is reading a book by Sally and Sarah Clarkson right now, something about creating a home, and one thing they really bring out is the beauty and bonding found in food and eating together.
I treasure what an elderly woman said about their days on parenting children in the home, “in all the things we lacked, we read to our children.”
In all the ways my husband and I “lack” atleast we too read to our young children 😁
I love that!
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Hi Lucinda! I found your blog series after searching “Mennonite parenting”. We are not Mennonite…in practice anyway, lol! We have no Mennonite churches or communities near us. My Mom often tells me we have Mennonite values, lol! How do the Moms with many kids (we have 5) accomplish this? How do the Moms with health issues (all 5 of ours do & in an easy week we have 9 appts) accomplish this? It seems I start my days with the goals of being more present & involving them more, but by the end that has unraveled completely. :/
Hi Julie, it’s really good to hear from you. I don’t know the answers…I am still trying to learn with my one child how to do togetherness well. And I know I have heard moms from my church group who have 4-8 children hear advice on spending time with each child and be like “How on earth am I supposed to accomplish that?” When I was a child, I remember feeling like we spent time together as a family…but I very rarely had individual time with my parents. There were 8 of us children and we spent a lot of time playing together with our siblings and sometimes working/reading/eating/talking with the whole family. It was a lifestyle more than any gigantic effort my parents made. You have a difficult situation with so many doctors appointments. That would really break into your routine and time together and there’s not a lot you can do about it. That’s okay. I think the Lord and your children understand. A few together times in a day like storytime and a meal or two really mean a lot. I don’t think we need to overthink or stress about creating a perfectly ideal situation.