How my Plain Mennonite Heritage Impacts my Parenting

A couple of months ago, I received the following letter (edited slightly) from a blog reader. It was titled, “Would love to hear about parenting in the Plain Mennonite community” and reads in part:

I have overlapped significantly with the Plain Mennonite communities through farm work and church experiences back in Pennsylvania and sometimes wish my grandparents had remained part of that community. This feeling is especially strong as I see my friends and sisters become mothers, struggling to adapt to parenting, adopting instead the North American capitalistic (buying toys and gadgets and snacks, etc.)  and entertainment-centered (just watch the iPad and stop whining!) parenting style. In many instances this is also a lonely parenting style where kids have limited interactions with other people and the brunt of the pressure is on ‘mom’ to be all things to the child(ren) at once. 

I’m curious and interested to learn about your perspective and experiences with parenting/child rearing, especially since my husband and I hope to have kids soon and we are discerning how we want to raise our kids. My sense from interacting with Plain Mennonites is that children are not placed at the center of attention the way they tend to be in mainstream cultures. There’s not constant ‘Oh-ing’ and ‘Ah-ing’ at everything the child does, or constant “No, stop! Listen! Wait…do this. No, do that…” Instead, children are brought into a family ecosystem where they play a role and share responsibilities (from a young age), helping them feel secure and valued while also helping the family system to work (and relieving some of the work for the adults!) It also seems like children are also allowed to be children and spend a lot of time independently being children. Additionally, there seems to be a strong community culture in which older women mentor younger women, families come together to support one another, and the parents are not the only caretakers or adult role-models for the children. 

I am not saying that parenting is ‘easier’ for the Plain Mennonites, and I don’t think I’m romanticizing it — I realize that raising children in any corner of the world is a challenging endeavor. I’m simply looking to hear your stories on the topic and about the conscious choices you and Ivan are making about raising Annalise. How does your lifestyle and culture impact the way you choose to parent, and what are the challenges/joys of your parent journey?

Peace and Blessings,

Adrienne

Adrienne says a lot of things well, and to be honest, I’m not sure I can improve on her concise but astute observations. But the subject really intrigues me and gives body to some vague ideas that have been percolating in my brain since having a child of my own and moving with her between my Anabaptist world and the parts of my life that intersect other cultures, either professionally or personally.

I would like to explore Adrienne’s question in a series of blog posts. I wanted to expand this discussion to more people than just me, so in this first introductory post, I will share input gleaned from my church mommy group about how they feel their Plain Mennonite background has impacted their parenting. I want to hear from all of you readers as well! Whether you are Anabaptist or not, single or married, you can still speak to this question: what values were passed on to you from your parents and/or culture that you would like to change or emulate?

In my next four posts, I then want to get personal and talk about 4 topics that are especially potent for me:

• My Plain Mennonite Heritage and Family Togetherness
• My Plain Mennonite Heritage and Self Reliance
• My Plain Mennonite Heritage and Children as Normal
• My Plain Mennonite Heritage and Boundaries

As an upfront disclaimer, I am a new and often uncertain parent myself. I often feel inadequate (especially when I start comparing myself to the amazing and dedicated mommies around me). If anything I say sounds wise or wonderful, take it as a goal I’m working toward, not as something I have all figured out and taped up in a box.

In addition, conservative Mennonites don’t get everything right about parenting. Sometimes, as in all people groups, wrong or hurtful things happen in a home. Family relationships come in a huge variety, and all of us, no matter our home, have things to learn from other cultures and people groups about how to parent well. The purpose of these posts is not to pat Mennonites on the back. I know of many strong and loving families in other settings and backgrounds.

With that being said, I do treasure the strong home I grew up in and admire the strong family dynamics I see modeled in many homes around me. Plain Anabaptists place a high value on strong families, and that atmosphere shapes my own approach to parenting. I want to explore in these posts some things I deeply value when I think of raising my own children, values I believe spring from my own upbringing. I do this with a two-fold purpose:

1. So that all of us, Anabaptist or non-Anabaptist, can think about our own parenting values. What are we working toward and why?
2. So that all of us, Anabaptist or non-Anabaptist, can work to preserve or create a godly family culture. If I didn’t see a certain value modeled in the home I grew up in, or if I do not see it modeled around me, that doesn’t mean that value cannot become a part of my culture, a part of my family. An inheritance is so much more than dollars in a bank account.

When I asked my mommy group from church how they thought their conservative Anabaptist background has affected their parenting, here’s what they told me.

Mothers as homemakers: Homemaking for mothers is normal and expected. A mom doesn’t hold the double pressure of working outside the home plus keeping up with housework. One mom said, “I couldn’t handle needing to work outside the home all the time and keep up with the housework as well.”

Strong support network: “We have a strong network of support, if not from local family, from other mothers or older mothers in the church group. We also have peers who parent alongside us with the same goals/similar worldview.”

Simple lifestyle: Technology has not infiltrated conservative Anabaptist culture to as great a degree as mainstream culture. One mom said, “It’s not normal for our first grader to have devices; neither is it expected that our a 12-year-olds will have iPhones. Our simpler lifestyle by default teaches our children some values…stewardship, contentment, imagination.”

Family valued in culture: Most of us have grown up with good parent models around us. One mom said, “My deep desire for a close family and for my children to feel safe with me is what motivates me to respond patiently.” And another said, “It’s a rich blessing to be a part of a social group where children are both treasured and a normal, expected part of events.”

Stable marriages and teamwork: Because conservative Anabaptists have taken such a strong stand against divorce and remarriage, the divorce rate is very low. One mom said, “I hardly know couples that are separated. That isn’t to say that all marriages are healthy and thriving but overall having couples stay together brings a vast amount of stability.” And another mom said, “The father and mother are both involved in parenting. In his absence, she tries to uphold his preferences, but he also backs her up. The parents’ stable, healthy relationship gives children great security.”

Biblical values passed on: One mom said, “We experience a lot of stability from having generations before us following biblical principles, in a similar way that your days run more smoothly when you do more of your tasks by habit rather than thinking through everything…We can spend less time deciding WHAT to teach and put our energy into HOW to teach our children.”

And, on the negative side…

A tendency toward insularity and judginess: One mom said, “It seems like Mennonites can tend to be judgy.” She gave the example of a woman who felt uncomfortable visiting a conservative Mennonite church because the children stared at her pants and added, “We certainly need to teach our kids to follow biblical principles, but also to not judge those who choose to do things differently.” And another mom said she grew up not interacting much outside Mennonite culture and wanted to raise her own daughter differently. “I desire to raise her with a strong family culture, but then have her go and pass that blessing on and not keep it to herself.

Like I said, my purpose in sharing these is so all of us can think about the family culture we are creating. What choices can we make in our everyday moments that builds the kind of heritage we want to pass on to our children?

Your turn! What values did you grow up with that impact your parenting? What values are you consciously choosing now?

Check back tomorrow to hear my thoughts on family togetherness.