In Which I answer 4 Questions about Marriage

A while ago, a blog reader wrote me this letter:

I have been a (mostly) silent follower of your blog for years. When Ivan came along, I loved hearing your love story and enjoyed the unique parts that made it beautifully yours. I especially like hearing stories of couples who have grown into love in a not-so-very-young age. And now that someone showed up in my life– someone who was almost a stranger– I have been thinking of stories like yours all over again. Some day when you have time, I’d love to hear your advice from the other side of marriage. I ask you because I can tell you are finding joy in marriage and mothering. Thank you for sharing some of those glimpses with us, your readers. What helped you in the early days of your relationship? What were some of the adjustments that surprised you? What was easier than you expected, and what was harder? You moved into and adopted his home and community– what helps you do that well?

At the moment I received it, I was immersed in one of the busiest seasons of my life and feeling like a stressed and struggling wife and mother, not a joyful one. Nevertheless, I knew that deeper than the current stresses, I was finding deep and fulfilling joy in my role. And it flattered me that this reader thought I had something to share. I promised her I would, and two and a half months later, I am finally making good on that promise.

To make this easy on myself, I will take the questions one at a time and answer them just the way she asked them.

What helped you in the early days of your relationship?

Our marriage vows helped me. Let me explain.

Jerry Yoder, the now-retired bishop of Mountain View Mennonite Church, where Ivan and I attend, officiated in the marriage ceremony and with our permission specialized our marriage vows.

To Ivan’s, he added, in brief:

“Even when you’re busy and the field work needs to be done right now, will you stop and listen when she wants to talk?”

To mine, he added:

“You will be moving into a new community. You will experience times of loneliness, possibly depression, and you won’t always understand why. Will you take time to talk, tell Ivan what you’re feeling?”

He asked us both:

“Will you commit yourself to talking things out when things hurt, when you have hurt each other?”

I can’t tell you how hard it has been to try to be true to those vows. And I can’t tell you how much the effort to communicate the hard stuff has helped our relationship.

I grew up in a family that is very non-confrontational. It’s easy for us to be nice to you, to act like we agree with you even at the times we don’t really, just to make you feel good and keep relationships friendly. We normally keep our critical thoughts and negative emotions to ourselves, except perhaps with closest family.

I carried some of those “company manners” into my relationship with Ivan. I didn’t want to tell him if something he did

hurt me, because I didn’t want to make him feel bad and because it was just hard. And I didn’t want to tell him if something he did annoyed or bothered me, for the same reasons.

But you have to be open in a relationship. You have to be genuine. The best gift you can give your marriage partner is yourself, even the prickly parts. I had to learn that, and the marriage vows motivated me to learn it. Because I had to be true to my promise, I had a reason to talk, even when I didn’t want to.

What were some of the adjustments that surprised you?

The “adjustment” that surprised me most was pretty much everything about sexual intimacy. We both entered marriage as virgins, so everything about our early intimacy was exploration. And while I knew emotion and intimacy are tied together, I hadn’t realized how closely one builds on the other, how emotional intimacy awakens sexual intimacy and sexual intimacy awakens emotional intimacy. For me, if trust, emotional closeness, openness, and a feeling of being desired are marred or threatened in some way, my body just doesn’t work well sexually. Sexiness isn’t something I can pretend. And for Ivan, the enjoyment of sex is really tied into how I feel and how much I desire it. I hadn’t realized how much he would be affected by me. The way sexual intimacy does work when it works well is mysterious, magical, unexplainable. It’s the lock and key to a marriage relationship that’s intimate in so many other ways, and I hadn’t realized that.

What was easier than you expected, and what was harder?

Keeping after our house and making meals, etc. is so much more fun than I anticipated. Before I got married, I did what needed to be done but didn’t find those sorts of tasks fulfilling. Now, I really care about my house being clean and my husband well fed. Those things have become “my” things, in the way only writing and my work as an author was before.

Communication was harder than I expected. I already talked about that some, but will add that communication has been the number one most difficult thing for me in marriage. It’s just really hard to learn to share your most inner heart with someone you didn’t even grow up with. But choosing to communicate, even imperfectly, builds trust step by step and is so very rewarding in the relationship.

Motherhood was also harder than I expected. I knew it would be life-changing, but I didn’t realize how all encompassing those changes would be. I didn’t know I would have to plan three times as many minutes to do any task or get ready for any event. I didn’t know how my hormones would be affected and throw my normal outlook and abilities all out of whack. I didn’t know how hard it is to figure out solutions to simple things like getting your baby to sleep or introducing her to healthy foods—things that look so easy when other parents are doing them.

You moved into and adopted his home and community—what helps you do that well?

Seeing the good of the people and place where I am has helped me to do that well. This is something I do naturally—I’ve never been to a place I didn’t like—and I recently realized in conversation with a friend that that outlook has helped me adjust to a new place. That being said, the Oakland community and our church community are really wonderful and fit me in so many ways. The Lord knew what would fit me, I guess, and led me to the right place for me.

Also, I think that growing up in a small church and community taught me skills that don’t necessarily come naturally to a reserved person. In a big church, it’s easy to just sit on a bench and watch, but in a small church and community, you learn to make an effort to reach out and to step outside your comfort zone to fill the needs in the church. Those habits are helpful to anyone when moving to a new community. During a time when I was feeling particularly lost and alone in this big new church, I heard a mission presentation where the speaker was talking about making friends in order to witness to them for Christ. He said, “It always starts the same. You stick out your hand and say ‘Hi, my name is…’” And I thought, That’s so true. I’ve been moping and pining about how alone and lost I feel, but making friends always starts the same, and it’s a start I can choose to make wherever I am, every day and every Sunday of my life.

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Do you have questions or a topic you would like me to address in a blog post? I would love to try! Comment below or email me personally. Also, please let me know if you have trouble with the comment form filling in the previous commenter’s name and email address. It’s a problem I HOPE I have fixed.