People ask me how being a mom has changed my writing, and the short answer is I don’t know yet. I know being a mom is changing me. I look at my daughter, and I can’t describe the emotions she stirs in me with her wide-open eyes like and chubby cheeks, like a Precious Moments doll. Or her big smile with her mouth like a triangle turned up at the corners. Or her little lip pooched out like the spout on the creamer in a sugar and creamer set.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to describe those emotions. I know that she makes my life less free and less flexible. There’s a reason I haven’t been blogging about much of anything besides Turtle Heart and book events, and it’s not because I haven’t been doing anything else.
My life is full right now, and it’s taking me a while to restructure, rethink, and refocus.
Being a mom is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not because it’s more difficult, but because it’s more all-encompassing. My daughter doesn’t care if I am sick and haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep for five nights when she wakes me for the third time in a row to feed. And no one can tell me, “This is what you need to do to make it work perfectly,” because Annalise and I are a unique combination, different than every other mother and daughter out there. In spite of that, I am constantly comparing myself with the other more competent moms who sit serenely rocking in the nursery at church, wishing I had it all figured out and packed together as neatly as they seem to do.
I am reminding myself that such a comparison is unfair and inaccurate, and trying not to do it so much.
Annalise is for the most part a happy and amenable child, for which I am grateful. Not to mention she brings tremendous joy and light and happiness to her daddy and me and to Ivan’s parents who live just across the yard.
Besides caring for my 5-month-old, I am helping to care for Ivan’s parents, especially his dad, who needs help with all daily cares. I am also finishing up a communications degree online…only three classes left! With a big thanks to Ivan for his tremendous support in pushing on through.
I do plan to post weekly again. You can plan to hear from me almost every Thursday at 6:00 p.m. (I know today’s not Thursday, and I’m not saying I won’t switch it up sometimes, but I like having a goal to me keep accountable.) I have also been trying to post somewhat more frequently on Facebook/Instagram, and I plan to continue sharing snippets of my life there as I am able, pieces of story caught mid-air that aren’t developed or long enough for a blog post. Here’s probably my favorite thing that I’ve shared in that way. I want to share it also with you.
Grandpa often sits with glazed eyes, not sure of what’s going on in the world, uttering the same repetitive phrases over and over. When Annalise was born, we introduced her to him as Ivan’s baby, but he didn’t seem to comprehend. One day several weeks later, though, he looked at her, said “Ivan” and got tears in his eyes. Lately he’s been making chirping noises when she looks at him. “Boo,” he will say, his face opening into a smile. Annalise stares at him a few moments, wide-eyed, and then offers one of her own. Today he made a joke to her. “There’s one thing you like to do, stick out your tongue,” he said, looking at her little pink tongue poked out between her lips. “Do you want my toothpick?”
It really does amaze me how much of an interest Grandpa takes in Annalise. I think I mentioned in another post how he barks at her (just like my dad!). He smiles at her and talks to her and shows an interest in her he doesn’t usually show towards adults. So sweet!
You can follow me on Facebook or Instagram if you like. If you already follow my personal Facebook account, you may want to switch to the author account linked here. The author account is where I will be sharing mini-stories like this one, along with blog posts and fun quick posts like photos of Annalise. I plan to make my personal Facebook account much, much smaller, limited to people I actually know and interact with in real life. Whenever I get around to working on it. :)
That’s all for this update! Next week I will be back with pictures. Lots of pictures of you-know-who. ;) Because I want to show you some of what’s been going on in these weeks when I haven’t posted as much.
Also, I currently have a Christmas special going, through December 2nd. If you missed it in the last post, check it out here. And if you received an email with the earliest version of the post, I neglected to say in that email that the $2 shipping is for US customers only. (International shipping fees really kill. :-/
I remember comparing myself to other moms when my daughter was little. How did they breastfeed so serenely in public without showing anything? I couldn’t manage that. Did anyone else try to change their nursing pads in the church basement bathroom and end up spraying milk all over the mirror? Who knew this kind of thing could happen!? When I found rotted milk – like cheese – caked behind my baby’s ears (in spite of daily baths) I felt like the world’s worst mother… how did I not notice liquid seeping out of her mouth, down the side of her face and behind her ears? Since then I’ve realized that there are no perfect parents. We do the best we can and forgive ourselves for failing to live up to our own standards. We lift our children and spouses to God in prayer and surrender all the hopes and fears we have to Him. Right now. And later today. Then again tomorrow.
Lol! This is so funny, Holly! Reminds me of similar feelings I have had in not quite the same but similar situations. Thank you for sharing. ☺️
I think the comparing to other moms is actually pretty normal😉I used to think mom’s of 4 and 5 had motherhood all figured out!!:)😂Now I am a mom of 4 and feel like I really have more questions than answers and feel very much like I don’t know what I am doing 😉
Good to hear, Jenni. :)
Wow Luci! This is so good. I am a single lady, working 50 hrs weeks. I am also a tidy housekeeper….so I keep up with cooking, cleaning, putting things in place, etc. I look on at your life :) and wonder how on earth you have time to be a mom, a writer, a college student, a wife, a caregiver, and a housekeeper, to name a few. Feels like I could never manage all that. Go you! :)
But yes! I get the comparison thing. So much. One of my latest fav phrases is when my sis told me, “You do you!” I didn’t need that permission from her, but it sure felt good! I recently told a friend the same thing (she was saying that her wedding won’t necessarily be the traditional). My response? “You do you!”
So I see you doing you….and I think if we could just all relax and give ourselves grace to be mom, teacher, secretary, nurse, housekeeper, etc who is allowed to make mistakes, we would do ourselves and the world a huge favor!! Thanks for encouraging us here!
Thank you Ruth Anna! Your words are an encouragement to me! ☺️
Years ago I heard at an Alzheimer’s convention that babies or animals can wake up a person’s mind, whose mind seems to have gone to sleep. One woman hadn’t spoken for months, but when she was presented with a baby she said, “What a beautiful, beautiful baby!” –Linda Rose
That is so beautiful, Linda Rose. Wow.
“Being a mom is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not because it’s more difficult, but because it’s more all-encompassing.”
Yes! So well said! For six years now I’ve said that being a mom is both the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s quite a paradox. I know it’s hard (because I struggle with it!) but please try not to compare your internal struggles with others’ placid external appearance. I’m often finding that when I really get to know other moms I find that they struggle too!
Hugs and prayers!
Sarah :)
Your Annaliese is such a pretty baby! Love her beautiful eyelashes. Glad to hear she is usually as sweet as she looks. :) And, that is so special about her and your husband’s dad!
Thank you, Sarah. ❤️
I’m a physical therapist here in Lancaster County, PA. Whenever I take care of a retired farmer, I’m always amazed at how large his hands remain, while the rest of the body seems to shrink away. I was just noticing that with your father-in-law…
When we care for people with dementia, in the early stages they show confusion as to their orientation (where am I? What was I saying?). Later, though older they see you as their equal in age. As the disease progresses, they see you as their parent in some way.
I often think of this lesson as a reflection of Genesis 3:19 (King James Version): “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.” For though we are old, yet in God’s eyes we remain young like children and to Him we find our eternal home.
As children in their dementia, these parent patients of mine often see babies and it kicks them powerfully albeit briefly back into reality, that they need to be mature, to care for this gift of God in their hands.
Children are a blessing in so many ways, though not much appreciated as such at the 3am hour.