My little girl kicks energetically in her bouncy seat. Sometimes when she looks at me with her bright smile and trusting eyes, I feel bad and guilty–like I am unworthy of such love. I’m not a perfect mom.
I have been struggling with so many feelings of inadequacy since launching Turtle Heart. Not just inadequacy over my mothering abilities, but inadequacy in writing, in talking about my book, in being a Christian, in living. I am not sure why the feelings are so strong. I don’t know if it comes from sharing in a way that makes me feel vulnerable, from disappointment over not landing a big publisher after my journey of years with Turtle Heart (though Elk Lake is a competent and respected publisher), or from feeling overwhelmed by trying to juggle school and selling books and being a mommy.
I know that God is with me.
In the worst feelings of inadequacy, I cry out to God, and he helps me. I have never cried to him from a true heart of need when he has not helped me.
Today, a friend called right after I prayed. She prayed with me. It helped. I felt his peace.
And then I read the following verses in Psalm 47:8-11 (NIV). “Come and see what the LORD has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth.”
Desolations? Sounds big, bad, and destructive, right? Decimation showing the power of the LORD!
But listen to the next verses that describe what we are to “come and see.”
“He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’
“The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
The Hebrew word translated “be still” carries the idea of stopping something or something coming to an end and is translated in a variety of ways depending on the context. (Info gleaned from Strong’s Concordance.) Other translations render the word in this verse “Cease striving” or “Stop your fighting!” Both of which would certainly fit the context of God decimating war itself.
Thinking of this brings such peace to my heart. God decimates the war in my own spirit.
Besides quieting my fears, these verses resonate with what I think was my deepest motive in writing Turtle Heart. I wanted to show how friendship between two very different people is possible and beautiful and an illustration of God–what he is and what he does.
I’ve had a lot of “God moments” this week, moments when other people have stepped into my life and been the hands and feet of Jesus to me.
My sister-in-law offered to help me with my book launch party Thursday.
A kind young man named Justin waved me down and told me I had a flat tire and offered to change it for me, and another kind young man named Tony stopped to give him a hand.
My aunt messaged me bright and early Monday morning to tell me my podcast discussion on That Jesus Podcast sounded great, before I even knew it was live, (She knew I was worried about my part in it.)
And every single day I thank God for my husband and my little girl who bring so much joy to my life. I do not take these benefits lightly.
Tomorrow evening I will try to post links to several Turtle Heart reviews and giveaways going on right now.
And locals, you are welcome to stop by my house Thursday afternoon between 1 and 5 to pick up a book and say hello.
Right now, my little girl is striving for attention, and I will put down my computer and give it to her.
***
P.S. Several people have asked how to buy Turtle Heart, so in case you missed the info before, you can order online from Amazon or Barnes and Noble or order an autographed copy directly from me at lucindajkinsinger@gmail.com.
Proud of you!❤
That Jesus podcast really did sound great! I LOVED your new book too. The reason I think I loved it so much is that your honesty challenged me.
Thank you, Rachel! That makes me happy.
Lucinda , I absolutely loved the book . It was definitely one of those books that I could hardly put down and I read in a very short time . I live the honesty, the way you make us think outside the box ! You can be sure , if you ever write another book it will be on my shelf
So I already bought Turtle Heart and really enjoyed it! I’ve left a review on Amazon, etc. but now I’m wondering if there is a way to purchase your other book? I can’t find it on Amazon. I borrowed the copy I read, but I want my own.
Anything But Simple is available on Amazon as well. Maybe you need to type in my maiden name? Lucinda J. Miller
I appreciate your thoughts here so much. The enemy of our souls seeks to discourage and defeat. Your book (and life) threatens his plans and purposes. I’m looking forward to reading it!
I know I don’t comment much, but I still have good memories of a little picnic in the Boston Public Gardens and I’m so excited about the ways that God continues to lead you and provide for you.
I loved that little picnic! A favorite memory.
Luci, the book is beautiful. You have an unusual sense of awareness about yourself and others, and you take on some tough subjects in the book. Don’t be discouraged. It’s a very good book. (And I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it!) Hang in there! ❤️
Wow, do I understand what you are saying. You have made yourself vulnerable by writing honestly in your book. Living honestly can bring great glory to God- that’s the Bible. Even Jesus’ disciples didn’t, in their writings, try to portray themselves as the great men of faith that they were.
I love honest writers. But I cringe for them, because if there is someone, ever, in their life who wants to destroy them, I know that they have ammo to use.
So, God may call us to different levels of transparency with different people/communities, as individuals, but the opposite of honesty is being a hypocrite-an actor. It’s not just some little thing! And, again, God can recieve glory from your work! I love your books, and the podcast was great- nothing to cringe about!
As far as the devil trying to tempt you with insecurity- you might enjoy this: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/podcast/revive-our-hearts/fret-not/
Thank you! I will visit
“Be strong and courageous, for the Lord your God is with You” Put on the armor of God!
We, the children of God have an enemy (rather we like it or not ) and he likes to makes us feel like a failure . We are not! We are children of the most High, and we have His word.
Rest when you can , pray always, enjoy your marriage and baby. Enjoy life!!
Give the book to God and wait on Him.
Patty
Such wonderful advice, Patty.