Beaming in from Mommy Space

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. And no, I can’t blame it on Annalise. She has her okay nights and her excellent nights, but generally she lets me have plenty of sleep. Annoyingly, I am doing this to myself. I lie awake nights, trying not to wake Ivan on the bed beside me, thinking about things.

I think about the podcast I recorded Thursday with That Jesus Podcast and how tense and nervous I was and how terribly I did. (The podcast will be dropped online Monday with most of my bloopers safely edited out.) I think about where I should market Turtle Heart and the fact that I still feel so inadequate when I have been writing for years now and have several books under my belt. I think about the books I want to write next, and whether or not I should try for that Masters at Harvard (Yes, I am really considering this; they have a great creative writing program) or whether I should zero in on my writing and on reading. Reading, just for fun. I have done precious little of that lately.

It feels like such a big responsibility to me, to present Turtle Heart to the world, a responsibility that weighs me down. And because I put so much of myself into this book for so long, because I had such high hopes for it, I am extra overwhelmed, extra lacking-in-confidence.

So gates, as I’m learning to say in Dutch. (“So it goes,” to all you English out there.)

I think that another part of my angst is switching identities. I used to be me alone, writing. Now I am me writing with a business partner (Ivan) and a baby. Ivan makes my job easier. Annalise, bless her tiny heart, makes it ten times as hard.

This thing about identity…I remember when I was dating Ivan, and we visited a tiny Mennonite church in West Virginia. We walked in together, and a man walked up and introduced himself to Ivan, and they chatted a bit. I felt odd. I felt invisible. I felt like my identity had suddenly been consumed and wrapped up in Ivan’s–and we weren’t even married yet. But this man surely thought that we were. To him, I was just a wife, not requiring a second introduction.

That’s a little bit how I feel now with Annalise. I was always me in the writing world. Independent. Big dreams and ambitions. Liked adventure. Loved cross-cultural friendships and stepping into worlds different than my own.

Now suddenly, I am mom, like a thousand other mommy-bloggers in the world. My identity is consumed in my child’s. I took Annalise to 2 days of Lit Camp when she was 6 weeks old. I went alone (Ivan was busy and wasn’t really interested anyway), and I slept there 2 nights, my baby in the bed beside me. I did it because I wanted to challenge myself, wanted to prove I could still do these things.

I could, but it was difficult. Annalise woke frequently, her little world upset by her strange setting, strange schedule, and strange mommy. She was smiley and pleasant through the day, but as expected for a six-week-old, she wanted to feed often. Because of her, I missed quite a few workshops and group sessions.

“Having a baby really ties you down,” I said the other day to my expressive Somali friend, mother of two. She crowed, “You said it! You said it! Say it again, Luci Kinsinger!”

I was confused. “What? Why? Haven’t I said that before?”

“I just wanted to hear you say it! Now you’re one of us! When you start complaining about the children, that means you’re officially a parent.”

(Or something like that. The dialogue is definitely not verbatim.)

Being a mommy is the most rewarding work I have done. I love being with Annalise, holding her, looking at her, hearing her talk to me, seeing her smile.

It is also the most difficult work I have done. I am left grappling with the same questions I’ve always grappled with–how to arrange priorities, how to organize time and use it well. But now the questions are a thousand times more important because she is a thousand times more important. I want to be the mommy that she needs…but what does that mean? What do I need to give up, and what continue to pursue?

I have a partner now, to help me with those questions. And to calm my fears, encourage me, hug me, rub his bristly beard against my neck.

So worth a change in identity. But a change in identity, nevertheless.

***

Next week, September 20-25, is Launch Week. While some of you have already ordered and read Turtle Heart, I will now officially make introductions. Monday kicks off the launch with a podcast discussion from That Jesus Podcast and book review from Kingdom Outpost. I have asked a handful of bloggers and social media friends to hold reviews and giveaways during launch week and will be sharing links to their sites as they are posted.

For local folks, come to my house Thursday, September 23, for a come-and-go launch party from 1:00-5:00 p.m. I am baking bars and mixing lemonade, just for you. Buy a book if you want, or just stop to say hello. If we haven’t met before, I will be pleased to make your acquaintance.

Local folks are also welcome to a book talk and signing at the Ruth Enlow Public Library in Oakland Saturday, September 25, from 10:00-11:00 a.m.