Being a mom is more labor intensive, time intensive, and emotion intensive than I ever thought possible. When I sit up long hours in the middle of the night feeding Annalise, praying I won’t drop her because I am so very tired, I love her all the more. When I lie in bed crying because I worry she will be hurt someday, and I don’t ever want her to be hurt, I love her all the more. When she opens her bright, wise eyes and looks at me and blesses me with a peaceful look or maybe even a smile, I love her all the more.
I wish she didn’t look like me, because I am afraid it means she will experience the huge dreams, the disappointments, and the pain that I have experienced. I’m afraid it means that she will be always getting her feelings hurt, always holding tiny grudges, always looking for love and doubting that she has it, always lifting tender sensitive antennae to the sky and being terrified of the world–until she grows immune to it.
In my own journey of life, I’ve grown in confidence and grown in the knowledge I am loved. I remind myself now of the beautiful life I have, the sweet relationship with my husband, all the joy and goodness I experience. I would never trade it or give it up.
If Annalise experiences sorrow, surely she will also experience joy, and it will be worth it.
But there is a fierceness in me that sees only the sorrow. She is so tiny, so tender. I regret every mistake, every inept foolish clumsiness I have committed against her and will commit in the future. I wish Ivan and I knew more about raising children, wish we would never make any mistakes at all. I did not know, before I had her, how many mistakes there were to make, how many tiny things I never knew and never thought to wonder about caring for a baby.
Maybe I look at her with this intensity of gratitude and protectiveness because I was 34 years old when I brought her into the world. Those of us who are older when we reach motherhood for the first time know in double measure the miracle a child is. We thought we might never get one and now cannot wrap our minds around the immensity of the gift.
It will be hard for me not to coddle her. “Give her space,” Ivan tells me. “You’ll both be happier.”
We gave her a strong name. Annalise, which means “graced with God’s bounty,” and Ida, after Ivan’s mom who passed away when he was twenty-two. I thought, when we chose it, that an Annalise Ida would do something large in the world, that she would be independent and free thinking and give something of value to those around her.
But those were only thoughts. Whatever she is or will be, I love her. And whatever she is or will be, she is a person of worth who has purpose in the world. God brought her into the world and ultimately she is His. Not mine. I don’t always remember that now, but maybe as the wisdom grows in me that motherhood seems to bring to people, I will remember it more often.
I will be taking a blogging hiatus for a month or so. It’s taking me time and a lot of hard work to swing into motherhood. Turtle Heart waits for its final edit and my input on the cover design before it, too, enters the world. In old days, I could work at half a dozen projects and squeeze blogging in on the side. Now I’m lucky if I get my hair combed of a day.
This will change. But it will take time, effort, and practice at being a mom. For now, I need to pare down to necessities. I may still blog occasionally if I feel like it. I will share updates on the book’s progress and probably a photo or two of Annalise. But for a little while, no pressure, no promises. I’m off to being a Mom.
Luci, your words are beautiful and wise and heartfelt and heartbreaking, as always.
You so perfectly describe the enormity of loving a child…enjoy every cherished precious amazing moment. And try to rest when you can.
Love to you!!!
Faye
Congratulations. I love this post I just had my first baby at age 30. And you summed things up so well.
I cried most of the first 2 weeks because I knew my son would get hurt in this cruel world someday.
A “neighbor in WV”
As a school teacher I can totally relate with the part of not wanting my children to make the same mistakes and have the same hurts that I made and had. During my time teaching I realized that the best I could do was to “know the way, go the way and show the way” and if they knew I was there to help them and that I had confidence that they could do it, they usually did well. No one is perfect, so there was obviously many mistakes that I made, as well as them. Don’t beat yourself for the mistakes; learn from them and do your best not to repeat them. There’s a struggle that every child has to go through to learn academically, socially, mentally, spiritually, as well as physically. In my observation the best way to work with it is to make sure that our children know that we love them and are there to support them and also that they are capable of winning whatever they are facing because God is with them. Maybe it sounds hard-core but I remember resenting too much protection and at other times (specifically spiritual things) desiring more support. All this said being said, I know there is something totally normal and good in many women that makes them hate seeing others suffer, especially those they love most. There is something very beautiful in seeing the way a mom protects and cares for her baby with love while at the same time she realizes that this child is only hers for short time and will grow up faster than she wants, yet she goes with the child, not hindering him/her or trying to slow him/her down in anyway, only giving him/her what he/she needs and encouraging him/her to keep on and never give up, because God is ALWAYS there walking with us.
All this being said in about 2 weeks, Lord willing, I’ll get to hold my own son and I will realize how many misconceptions of parenthood I have.
Ultimately only God is the perfect parent. May God bless you and Ivan in your journey of being Mamá & Papá.
What a beautiful post, one I can relate to! And, we have the exact same infant scale! Lol.
I am so glad you are taking the time to settle into motherhood and taking a hiatus from things that can wait. I remember so well the exhaustion and the ready tears I felt in the first weeks of motherhood, though it’s been over 56 years, Cherish it all.
Hugs, Luci. 💞
Thank you for sharing this, Luci. I relate to do much of what you wrote here! Prayers for you and your family. 💜
Enjoy Motherhood, your choosing wisely. We’ll enjoy whatever crumbs come from your table when you return. ~ Blessings on your new journey ~ Linda
I’d like to recommend that every new mother turn in their ‘Perfect Parent Card’ right off the bat…save themselves a lot of anxiety and over-effort, and save their child the effects of it….but there I go, giving new parents another thing to try to avoid…..oh bother…