Life’s Hard Lessons: As Learned Through My Mental Breakdown

By a Mennonite pastor, Conrad. (A true story. Some names have been changed.)

Last week, Conrad shared Life’s Hard Lessons: As Learned through my Parents’ Marriage Struggles. This week, we hear more of his story.

It was a dark and cool evening outside. Inside the vehicle, a pickup truck, the air was warm with a familial feeling. Ten people were in the truck. My wife Denise and I and our three boys, Karl and Faye (my wife’s sister and husband) and their two oldest sons, and Mom. This story took place 10 years ago in early spring 2008. The children were little. I was struggling through what people know as a mental breakdown, yet I clearly remember that evening.

Karl (at Mom’s request) had spent the afternoon with me doing deliveries. After an hour or two, he saw I was not acting rationally and recommended I go to the hospital.  I did not resist or argue against his decision. Up until then I had been driving, but now he drove me to the hospital. Faye along with Mom offered to go with Denise to meet me there. The doctor observed me with Denise in a viewing room. He must have decided it was safe to let me go home that night – for which I was grateful! Karl drove us all to London Drugs where I picked up some pills. My life was in a lot of turmoil. But yet, that evening, what stood out to me was that my family cared. They were there. And it was going to turn out all right.

And it did.

It was one of those moments in life that stand out. I had succumbed to stress. I needed to learn some life lessons.

What life lessons did I learn that have been a help to me since that evening in March 2008?

1. God loves me the way I am, not the way I should be.

You don’t hear Mennonites admit that too quickly. Under pressure, they will admit to the truth of it and then carefully qualify it. And it is alright to qualify it. Any aspect of truth has to be understood in the context of all truth. Obedience and sensitivity to the Spirit are a needful part of our walk.

Yet this lesson of God’s love was necessary for me to learn. I had tried to be perfect as a young deacon. But in my heart I knew I wasn’t. How freeing to realize that God can’t love me any more today than He will 10 years down the road! I will mature a lot more in the next 10 years. But God’s love for me today is complete and total. He can’t love me any more or any less today than any other time.

Today, I find it much easier (ok, usually) to say “I’m sorry” than I did ten years ago. Recognizing that I am yet human and will make mistakes makes that a lot easier. No longer do I hold myself to a standard of absolute perfection.

I spent two weeks at Green Pastures (a mental health clinic and residence for the Plain Community, located beside Wellspan Philhaven in Lebanon, PA) soon after my breakdown, to be near the Philhaven doctors. I appreciated the strict schedule held at the boarding place as well as the love and care the staff showed towards us.

My parents and Denise dropped me off for my stay there. Denise told me later she  sat in the back seat on the way home and cried. But we both knew it was for the best. And I determined to profit from my stay there.  The doctors were able to prescribe a medication (Risperidone) that was very helpful.

I remember settling down one night in bed at Green Pastures when I heard some of the Wenger Mennonite girls sing a new song that I never heard before: “One Set Of Footprints.”

That night I, a Mennonite deacon, was blessed as I lay in bed by this small group of Old Order Mennonite girls singing. The message of the song soothed my soul more than a cool breeze on a hot summer night. It was not hard to imagine that it really was the angels singing.

Chorus:

One set of footprints, when my feet are tired and sore,

One set of footprints, when my load He gently bore;

One set of footprints, when I cannot understand,

One set of footprints in the sand.

In this way, God clearly spoke His love for me. He had not forgotten me in my struggle to make sense of the fog I found myself in.

2. Force is carnal.

As a leader, I learned that the still small voice of God is very powerful. His voice reaches the heart and carries much influence.

Aesop knew this truth when he wrote a fable about the wind and the sun. The wind by a show of great force was sure he could force the man to shed his coat. The man’s response was only to wrap his coat tighter around himself.

The sun waited for his turn, and quietly beamed warm sun rays on the man. Before long, he willingly removed his coat.

Force is carnal. It does not come from God. The work of the Spirit and the still small voice of God cut deep. I learned I accomplish much more in my preaching and ministry by touching and reaching the heart. Not by wit or wisdom or might, but by being a vessel of the Spirit of God, who works in the heart.

I learned that an effective leader is humble enough to acknowledge he is vulnerable – to others and to his own weaknesses.

3. We learn as much or more from the negative influences of our friends as we do the positive.

The person you most struggle to relate to teaches you as many (or more) valuable life lessons as your closest friend. You don’t think as much on the input of your close friends. It doesn’t stress you out. But you tend to dwell on the incidents in your life that relate to the person you struggle to appreciate.

As I reflect on the last ten years of my life, I am thankful for the lessons God allowed me to learn. I learned better how to be a good friend – honest and caring (better, because I am still learning). I learned better how to preach. Don’t preach down to the people, rather lift them up. I learned that being a good deacon means being there when people face stress. If they want to talk, draw them out and listen. If I need to address a problem or concern with a member  – do it honestly with love and care.

For good congregational life, I learned the value of Christian fellowship  and learned to trust the brotherhood. Sometimes they reveal my needs to me. Other times they encourage me in my business challenges. I learned not to feel threatened by the brotherhood. Good brotherhood means everyone has a voice. And secure leaders are not threatened when the people speak up. We trust each other enough to hear each other out.

Some of these lessons I learned from the positive example of my brethren. Some of these lessons I learned from the negative example of my brethren. All of it has been a help to me.

4. Most of our church standards are applications to Bible truth, not Bible truth in their own right.

I had to learn that our applications to Bible truth are subject to change. They don’t constitute complete Bible truth by themselves. A lot of them fall under preference as in group preference or personal preference.

Early in church life, I was forced to submit to a change of standard in how we addressed our school teachers. We adopted a secular title in the hope that it would be easier to enforce. For a Christian church school to make this change made no sense to me. What to me had been  black and white became suddenly gray. If we as a brotherhood could adapt to the world in that area, why not in other areas? Did any of our standards really matter in the end?

Thankfully my wife was content to keep our family in the “ordnung” (German for Old Order Church guidelines) through this time. So it was mostly a quiet internal struggle for me. But I did learn a valuable lesson: Our practical standards are not the same as scripture. They are applications. We respect the brotherhood voice. And yes, the brotherhood can make unwise decisions. But for now, we will accept their voice and realize that our standards are only applications. There are other (and sometimes better) applications that could be made as well.

Our way is not the only way. No need for pride in our position.  No need to look down on other groups for differing positions.

If my church would ask me to do something I came to believe as wrong (a true black/white issue), I would not do it, for that would violate my conscience. How do you decipher if an issue is a conviction (spiritual issue) or preference (application)? Black/white or gray? What exactly does the Bible say about it? How directly does the Bible speak to the issue? Recognizing that our culture and background affect how we answer the question will help us be balanced.

5. I learned what it meant to be a better husband and father.

After my breakdown in 2008, I took some counselling at Life Ministries (Conestoga, PA) with Sam. I remember sitting in Sam’s office with my wife when he explained the level of friends we have. The levels are like layers of an onion. Acquaintances we see every now and then are at the outer edge – a 9 or 10.  Other friends, at a 4 or 5, are closer to us and know us better. But they don’t know everything. Sam explained that everyone needs at least one friend at the 1 or 2 level. This is a friend besides your spouse. They know your struggles. They know how you think. They know how you respond. They know the answer to your question even before you articulate the whole question because they instinctively know what is coming. And just like an onion, the closer you are to the center, the stronger the smell. Our life is before them, raw and smelly.

Understanding this has made me a better husband and father. I am accountable to others besides my wife. She is not the only one to hear me out. She is not the only one allowed to balance me out on everyday life issues. She is not the only one to know my inner struggles.

The counselor also explained the need for spiritual leadership in the home. I can and must minister spiritually to my wife and children. This means being sensitive to their needs. I want more than cold obedience from my children.

I want to look them in the eye and see in response a child at rest in his relationship to me.

6. I learned about God’s great love.

At our church, Brent, a childhood friend (who had handicapped children) once shared quite clearly about the truth of God’s unconditional love.

In my preaching, I referred to God’s unreserved love. How ever you want to describe it, we don’t perform for it, and we don’t earn it. It is given as a gift.

God desires a relationship with me. Understanding in a small measure his great love for me, motivates me more than anything else to obey him. Not cold obedience from a cold heart, but warm obedience to a loving Father.

John 21 became a favorite passage of mine. Here we see the motivation Peter had for serving and feeding the flock. It was based on his love for his Lord. Jesus question to Peter was: “Do you really love me?”

What quality of love do I have for my Lord? I want it to be “Agape”, a true deep love of commitment, willing to face any hardship, endure any affliction, and live in daily obedience because I love Jesus.

7. I learned about the sin of the Elder Brother.

Life is more than just obeying the rules and standards. Much more! The Elder Brother Syndrome (Luke 15) can catch us when we try so hard to be perfect and right. We end up covering a dark heart of bad attitudes, but we’re right! When we’re right, we’re right. And no one can tell us otherwise. Because we’re right.

But the Father comes out of His house to plead with us to come into His house of love. A love that knows how to forgive. A love that knows how to plead to a self righteous older brother. I am glad to be in the house of love!

8. I learned the value of being a student.

My counseling with Sam was cut short in 2009 when Karl and another brother  came to me and questioned the value of this counseling, two days before our scheduled departure!  The day before Denise and I were planning to leave for Pennsylvania, our bishop paid us a visit and asked me to discontinue this help after one more visit. (The concern was that I be open with my local brethren too.)

Although our bishop was kind enough to let it up to my wife and I whether we went on our trip, the two concerned brethren did not think our trip necessary.  We debated and prayed. Late Sunday night we decided to go, even though we felt the pressure to just stay home and drop our counseling.

Early Monday morning we left. We didn’t say much to each other till later that morning close to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan.Then I looked over at Denise and asked her, “Are you at peace with our decision?” She answered with finality, “Yes I am.” I took her hand and said “I am too.” The air was clear and we were at peace. God was directing us. We could go and enjoy our trip.

Later that week, in our last counselling session, I remember our counselor advising me to be ready to stand on truth. There may come a time, he said, when I know in my heart what the right course is, and I need to be ready to stand on that, even if others don’t understand it.

And contrary to the concern of our brethren–who thought it looked bad for a deacon to seek counseling–sometimes leaders have things they need to first learn before they can be effective in their work. In other words, to be effective in my call as a leader, I must first be a student!

My wife went back to talk to Sam after we had stepped out of the room. She was sorry to see our counseling stop. So was Sam. He felt like he helped open the can, and there were worms hanging out everywhere. And then we were stopping.

But he did give us one great help. It was a preaching series on The Father’s Embrace*. I obtained an MP3 version of the series and listened to it much over the years. I no longer had a counselor to walk along side of me. But I had that teaching. It was very helpful to me.

I learned a valuable lesson – submitting to the brotherhood does not hinder God from meeting our needs. And through humility, we learn ourselves before we help others.

As the years went by, and I slowly began to change and became more relational, Karl,  who had shared his concern about my counseling no longer remembered his concern but was very glad for the change he saw in me.

Thanks to Sam – and to God’s gentle faithfulness!

Conclusion

Life is full of lessons. I am glad to still be a student in the school of life. I am glad for family that brings color and warmth to my life. I am glad for the church that provides a safe place for me and for my family. I am glad for the difficult times, for it is in the stress of working through those times that we learn our best lessons. Praise God for His goodness! I am blessed!

I was tested today. We visited the Special Ed classroom at school. My wife connected with Monika, playing some hand games with her. Monika smiled and laughed, enjoying the attention. I had wished to maintain an attitude of learning as I faced life, and now I sensed Jesus asking me if I could maintain that attitude in relating to the “least of these.”.  

I decided I should say good-bye to Monika before we left. I took her hand and started talking to her. Monika fixed a gaze on my face. She hardly blinked. What was she seeing? I got the distinct impression that I was on trial. I kept talking encouragingly to her.  What was my face communicating? Did she see someone who was comfortable with love? I felt like she was looking into my heart.

Then a slow smile spread across her face.

I passed. She saw it, a heart softened by God’s love.

***

*The Father’s Embrace available from Shiloh Place Ministries, SC.

Feature photo by Dave Brunner Photography, 2011.