Life’s Hard Lessons: As Learned through my Parents’ Marriage Struggles

By a Mennonite pastor, Conrad                                      

(A true story. Some names have been changed to protect privacy.)

There were a dozen children in my childhood home. Life was very interesting growing up. Earl and I often played together. He was the president in our plans and I was the vice president, me cheerfully supporting my older brother’s wisdom and authority.

One of my happy memories of young childhood is tossing a big ball back and forth with dad in the backyard. Not with any of my brothers, but with me.

But not all my memories are happy memories. Earl and I would sometimes listen through the vents in the upstairs floor, to sounds of Mom and Dad arguing below. Mom struggled to always understand school or church action. Dad tried to support our church and school.

Years later, in relaying this tidbit to my counselor, he made it a point to stress that this part of my story was a testament to a dysfunctional marriage and home. It is damaging for children to see their parents arguing. And not only arguing, but not pulling together.

But at the time, I thought it was normal. Life went on.

One afternoon when I was 11, my brothers and I were dropped off at home by our Mennonite school bus driver. We lived in an old farmhouse. On days the maid came, the house was clean and organized. Other days, it was, well, lived in. This afternoon was different. The house was clean and organized even though the maid had not been there that day. The house was also empty. Where was mom? We looked around and saw papers with mom’s handwriting on them. The paper on the table told us to call dad right away and tell him to come home. The paper on the cupboard explained something about the kitchen. The paper on the washing machine explained how to operate it. What do all these papers mean?

Earl called dad who was at work and told him about the note’s instruction to call him. In a short time, dad came home. But he did not talk to us. He went right up the stairs to their bedroom and soon came back down carrying yet another paper.

He told us softly, “Boys, Mother is not coming home tonight.”  James’ face went white. 

Dad called Grandma and broke down crying into the phone that “she did it”. He told Grandma, “We’re all crying over here.”

He got off the phone and told us to get our things together to go over to Grandma’s house (the younger children were there already).  James asked Dad if he could take his red toolbox and socket set, and Dad said, “Yes, James, you take the toolbox along that Mother gave you.”

How do children handle a parent leaving home? We older ones grieved inwardly and silently. James could sing on the silent ride over to Grandma’s house. I envied his innocence – or was it his ability to forgive? Earl was more to the point. “I could kill [him]”, he said, meaning the other man involved. At suppertime at Grandma’s house, I cried. Some of us remember Grandpa being stern with David to get him to listen, rapping out “Come back down the steps and sit up to the supper table!” Grandpa was trying to do his part to help us children. We interpreted his effort as harsh.

How does a husband handle marriage struggles? He was there for us children. The next day, he came to school with us, the little children tagging along. It felt comforting to have him sitting in the back of the classroom. My world was in a lot of turmoil. But I could smile a little that day. Dad was there.

The church was also there for us. The next evening Mom came back to Grandma’s house, where we all were gathered. Our deacon, Bro. Raymond, was there for support.

Mom was excommunicated from church membership for her actions. I remember Mom crying on Dad’s shoulder one evening because the church discipline hurt. Dad did his best to comfort her. But in my eyes, I saw the church as the enemy. They were the ones to cause the hurt, in my mind. Why would the church put my mom out of fellowship and cause her to feel the pain of being “outside the circle”? Why did they have to make her cry?

I remember the service where Bro. Isaac received Mom back into full fellowship and restored her membership. It appeared like a formal occasion to me. Dad was sitting close to the front for that service, along with us children. He caught something else. Bro. Isaac had tears in his eyes while he called Mom up to the front of the auditorium and  restored Mom’s membership. Bro. Isaac cared (and accepted responsibility for the church not helping the obvious marriage need earlier). The church cared. There were procedures and traditions that the church followed. Mom had to prove her repentance of her sin for probably a six month period. We children viewed these measures as harsh and uncaring. But the ministry did care. They stayed close to Mom and Dad and supported them on their journey.

The ministry also supported Mom and Dad seeking marriage counseling. Bro. Isaac called the counselor Mom and Dad chose. He confirmed with the counselor that divorce and remarriage is wrong, according to our understanding of Jesus’ teaching on this subject. So Bro. Isaac could give his blessing on this counselor, even though he was not a Mennonite counselor. His words to Dad: “It is good to pay for counseling. Then you treat it with a little more respect.”

Years later, I would go to church with brethren that for a time were cold towards Christian counselors. I wished they could have taken Bro. Isaac’s view!

As a family, we were at the receiving end of material help many times. Once the youth girls helped Mom  prepare a bunch of peaches for canning. Other times, someone in the church or family would help provide us with a “new” vehicle. Once, the vehicle was a standard 4 speed shift Ford van with steel Mag wheels. The first Sunday we took it to church, it was raining. Dad drove the van to the church entry after church was over for us to get in. The sporty 2-tone look had us children feeling a bit proud about our latest acquisition. A short time later, the preacher offered to get the youth boys together to change out the 2-tone paint for a new fresh single color, which was considered more appropriate for Plain Mennonites.

Many times, though, I felt inferior. It appeared to us that we were poorer than others in the church. At times, we would complain to Dad about not having more money. Once, he admonished us by asking us who he was spending his money on. It wasn’t on a quad for himself! We knew that to be true and so we stopped arguing.

I also knew that no other home in the church had to recover from serious marriage difficulties. On one hand, I was proud of my parents for faithfully working through their marriage issues. The other side of me was well aware of the fact that our family was in focus because of those issues.  Some of my brothers went through rebellious phases in their teenage years and youth. Why couldn’t we just be a content happy family like everyone elses?

In the end, this struggle to peace and truth in our family did help me and prepare me for my own journey. I needed to learn a few truth lessons myself.

What lessons did I learn from my parents?

• Your marriage is worth fighting for. Dad told me once, “There wasn’t a way out [of the marriage], but a way through it. Too many church members today are quick to look for a way out of troubles that come up in church life. And some tend to “write others off” – meaning they are long on criticism and short on forgiveness. Dad and Mom wish these brothers and sisters a dose of the truth they learned in life: Don’t look for a way out, but a way through it. Dad’s other bit of advice: You must hear the other person out. Is there anything else? What else is causing you a problem that I am doing? Get it all on the table. The answers can be found more easily when all the issues are verbalized. Hear it all!

• Counseling has a place in a loving community. Church leaders should not look at counselors as competitors. Rather each member of the community has a place to fill: Church leaders, counselors, family, friends, parents, and  children. No one provides all the helps. But together, they can all provide help and support to the person or couple that is struggling. Counselors are generally only a short-term help. The church and family surrounding the one that is struggling are there for the long term. Each one has an important role to play. The counselor is not as effective when the church community is not involved, and vice versa. Sometimes the problems are deep and tangled, and a trained counselor is much more effective than the family or local church in trying to help sort it out and find a way to peace. The Body is made up of many members – more than just those in the local church! Let’s be workers together of the grace of God.

• It’s all right to share your feelings, even if they indicate a struggle. Mom could be honest and open with the ministry in her struggle to move on and leave the past behind. She wanted to fully love her husband, but it was taking some time. Upon hearing this struggle, Bro. Amos could say, “That’s ok, your feelings will heal in time. Just keep doing what you know is right to do today.” He was right. I am glad to also have learned this lesson in life. When it is safe, it is easier and healthy to honestly share your feelings and struggles. As a youth, and later as a young deacon, I tried hard to be “perfect”. It was very freeing to learn this lesson of freely and honestly sharing your heart. When parents can freely share with their children in this way—humble and vulnerable—it is a great aid to the children in facing life, regardless of their past.

• Children spell Love as T-I-M-E. Money does not buy happiness, even for the children. Children remember the love and personal attention and peace in the home more than they remember the money or the lack thereof. My boys are big enough to notice other children who have many toys, but a dad who lacks time for his children. They do not want that for themselves.

• Cold conservativism is not enough for a God honoring home. One of my father’s failures in my childhood home was failing to love his wife and children with a warm relational love. A warm love can uphold and teach godly principles while still maintaining close humble relationships. God is relational. The Trinity bears out this fact. The great cost Christ paid in dying for us to provide a way to the Father also bears this out. I had to learn as a husband and father that I must not forsake the relational aspect of my duties to my wife and children if I wished to keep from repeating the mistakes of my childhood home. My counselor told me at one point, “If you don’t change your ways, you’ll repeat the mistakes of your parents.” I Cor. 12 and 13 says Love is “more excellent” than Truth! The cold conservative doesn’t understand the truth of these verses. Truth carried to an extreme is error.

• The law of sowing and reaping is one of God’s unchanging laws. Thankfully, we can at any time start sowing good seed to allow the law to work positively in our life. Another way to have this law work for our good is to recognize that our story of struggle and failure and ultimate peace with God can be a help to others that are in the middle of their journey. Part of the healing process for us as a family was a restoration night our parents had with us. Instead of our usual evening Bible reading, Dad and Mom talked to us. Mom apologized to each of us children personally, starting with the oldest down to the youngest girls who didn’t even understand what was happening. It was a simple “I’m sorry” for her leaving us and her adultery, along with a hug. It was healing and painful all at the same time. I was glad for this interchange with my mother and I gladly forgave her. At the same time, I understood the hurt evidenced by my older brother who was sitting in the chair across from me with his head turned. He was crying. The reaping for sin is always much greater than the sowing. I am grateful to God that our reaping for the little good we do is also much greater than our sowing!

Today, I received a birthday card and present from Mom and Dad. The card is filled out with Mom’s handwriting. She remembers with love and fondness, Conrad as a cheerful little boy. That was over forty years ago. Many mistakes have been made. Many lessons have been learned.

I am thankful for godly parents who love me as their son. They love all of us siblings regardless of what church we belong to, and they love my wife and children. We are blessed!

Today, as siblings, we are a diverse family, representing various church groups. But there is still a common bond in all of us. We are family. A family that was once broken. The journey to healing for us children took different paths.

All of us have been greatly helped by parents that were brave enough and persistent enough to work through their difficulties and not run from them. I take that lesson with me today. Don’t run from your problems by freely changing your occupation. Don’t run from your problems by freely changing churches. Don’t ever run from your family*.

*(situations of abuse would be an exception).

When we learn the lessons that God gently and faithfully teaches us, we are writing our own story. What is your story?

Disclaimer: This story was written from my view point. My other siblings saw and understood many parts of this story from their view point. My parents understand this story from their view point.

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