So maybe it’s laughable for someone who’s been married only two months to try to say anything at all about it yet. All the same, I know a whole lot more about marriage now than I did seventy-five days ago when we started it.
Today is the one year anniversary of the day Ivan first sent me an email asking me to consider a dating relationship. I read that letter again today. It still moves me, touches my heartstrings, as it did the first time. But my perception of the words have changed, because I understand the man behind them so much better now and can picture him thinking and expressing exactly that. The words have a context now.
Marriage also has gained context for me. It is no longer just a word on a page. Here are a few of the things I’ve learned—not lessons exactly, but my experience of it.
1. I’ve learned I have to take myself into marriage. Not so much because of some noble idea of self giving, but because it’s impossible not to. I honestly thought I could do this whole marriage thing like I’ve done almost every other relationship: act with sweetness, kindness, and forbearance for the sake of the other person and then go to my room and be myself. In almost every relationship, what I think in private might be very different than what I say when I am with that person. NOT that I lie or am dishonest…I try very hard to be genuine…but I show different parts of myself to different people, and I seldom say everything I think. As a people pleaser, I have a deeply ingrained habit of deferring to others.
Marriage hasn’t allowed me to do that. For one thing, it annoys Ivan when he asks my opinion and I say, “What do you think?” For another thing, it is impossible to constantly defer to someone else when you are married to them and don’t even have your own bedroom, for crying out loud. If you did, you’d become a non-person, which would be pretty miserable and make you really mad and resentful in a hot minute. I’ve had to learn to share more of what I am thinking and more of my likes and dislikes.
2. I’ve learned that some types of things in a marriage are really, really hard to say. Like when you feel bad about something he said or the way he said it, and you know if you don’t say something, a tiny wall will spring up between you. Or like when you spill ink on the new carpet. Or when you lose the bluetooth he bought you…and he never loses things. Or when you know you should compliment him for a strength he has…but know that doing so will show up your own weakness in that very area. Those types of things.
3. I’ve learned that communication is always worth it.
4. I’ve learned that sex is more complicated than one would think. Also more wonderful. There’s a word Ivan uses to describe it. Fragile. I know of no word more accurate. We have to learn so much about each other and about ourselves—our bodies, our minds, our emotions—in order to make it work right. I never realized, before I got married, how much power the right kind of sexual intimacy has to deepen a relationship.
5. I’ve learned that housework is really fun. And I like cooking. I never thought I did before. The difference is that the space is mine and the husband is mine, and I am not just completing work, but creating a life. For both of us.
6. I’ve learned that I love having my own checking account. We started it just yesterday. Like all our accounts, it is a joint one, but on this one I’m primary. Ivan laughed at me for being so excited to start it. He doesn’t think he would care at all in my shoes, and that he’d be just as happy keeping track of writing income on a paper as in a separate account.
I’m not convinced. He’s been making his own living for at least twenty years and is more accustomed to independence than I am. I can’t imagine he would easily lay down every trapping of self sufficiency. YES, we are making all our decisions together, but there’s no denying that psychologically speaking—in my mind if not in his—the person making the money has more right to decide where it will go. I fear that sense of dependency. I fear never feeling like I have an equal right in decisions about money, because I’m not making much. A checking account helps to stifle that fear, gives me a feeling of freedom and self worth.
I think my sense of trust and mutuality will grow the longer we are married. But I also think there is nothing wrong, and very possibly something good, about each person in the partnership taking charge of a certain area of spending. My mom and dad were farmers and made their income together. A certain percentage went to Mom for household expenses, a larger percentage to Dad for farm expenses…and they each had their own checking account.
I’m not trying to say anything high-falutin’ about how a couple should order their financial affairs…this is just one of the areas of marriage I’m working through in my mind, and I’m sharing that process with you.
7. I’ve learned the attraction that will make a marriage strong goes a lot deeper than skin. I’ve had some pretty intense crushes in my lifetime, but none of those developed into a long-lasting relationship. When Ivan asked me to date him, I wasn’t attracted by his looks or personality, I was attracted by his honesty, his godly character, and by the way he was one hundred percent supportive of the ventures in life I had already begun. As we got to know each other better, I grew in love and attraction, but I worried at times that because our relationship hadn’t started with physical attraction, our marriage—especially the intimacy part—would be less than.
It hasn’t been.
I guess a little of Hollywood—or maybe it’s romance novels—have worked their way into a lot of us. But honestly, when my husband holds me while I’m crying, when he helps clear up after supper or giggles like a little kid over some ridiculous remark—it’s those things that deepen my attraction for him. As our relationship deepens, my physical attraction also does.
We were talking the other day about women in the Old Testament who had to share husbands between them, wondering how any emotional intimacy between a man and a woman, in those situations, would be possible. I talked about how demeaning it would feel to me as a woman to be just one of many, how in those settings the women had no voice and didn’t matter. “I guess men still treat women like that in Muslim countries,” I said.
“It makes me want to strangle them,” said Ivan.
I loved him for that.
Of all my attractions to him, this is one of the chief—he doesn’t strive to dominate. He values me: my personhood and my womanhood. Even his annoyance at me for not saying my opinions—this is a form of respect. He wants to know what I like. Instead of feeling I have to change my personality to make the marriage work, I feel I am becoming, with Ivan’s love and support, more deeply myself.
A marriage that empowers, I have learned, has little to do with physical attraction and a whole lot to do with valuing the other person for who they are.
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Feature photo by Kayla Weaver.
Down load the every dollar app. It’s free. Then you and your Husband can see what is in each category, I love it! We each have it on our phones and it is so nice. If you spend out of a category you update it and you tell the other person so they can update it on there phone. It keeps you on a plan and you don’t over spend. And if you never heard of Dave Ramsey I recomend for you two to get own his money plan. I have been married for 9 months and we have never had one fight over money, but we both were on his plan before we ever started dating. It is very important to have joined checking accounts. So many people around us that we personally know are struggling to pay there Bill’s because they are sloppy with their money and not telling it what to do but letting the money control them. This is a subject that I can go on about all day and never get tired of.😏
As someone who has been married for almost a year now, this- this is so true and I can relate to it so well! All of it. I just started “my” own joined checking account separate from the one we had been using last week and I feel just the same on it. 😉😄
This is so beautiful, Luci. I love your brave honesty at two months in. I don’t pretend to know all the lessons that marriage teaches one but from my own experience of eighteen plus years, your seven lessons in two months shows promise of a rich, beautiful life together!
I love this so so much!
I still hate cleaning and cooking after 35 years of marriage so he cooks and we hire a cleaning lady.
That’s awesome. I love when couples figure out what works for them.
Your soul-mate found you, a God thing for sure. And your story, like mine, is miraculous.
After nearly 53 years of marriage I can truly say a couple is a team, rowing the boat in the same direction. Still, it requires constant negotiation. I see you are acquiring the habit. :-)
A beautiful post, Luci!
Thank you, Marian. I like your description of teamwork and negotiation.
Beautifully written Lucinda. You share much wisdom here. My only niggle is the Muslim comment. It’s a bit of a generalization. I believe that most Muslim men today have one wife and many treat them very well. And after all, mistreatment of women by men is not exclusive to Muslims. You just have to look at the MeToo movement to see that.
Yes, I know, Anthony. I thought about changing the “Muslim” countries to “some” countries when I posted this, and maybe I should have. I left it because, truth is, that is what I said.
One huge advantage the U. S. has is that if a relationship is misused, women have legal rights which in some countries are not granted.
This is beautiful. Thank-you for being brave enough to share it!
So. Very. True.!! I could have written most of this myself!! (Except I don’t write ;) ) But yes! Amen!
Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you guys!
I like your honesty……marriage has a lot of adjustments but also a lot of “fun times” :) . When my husband & I began dating in 1964 he gave me a picture of himself…….guess what? I hid it in a drawer because he wasn’t tall, dark & handsome. :) I was attracted to him because of his kindness, his gift of helps & his caring spirit. He still has those gifts and blesses many people with them :)
I began having my own checking account when I began drawing my Social security check several years ago. Most of my $ goes for my eye Dr., my chiropractor treatments, my young living oils ( I get from our daughter) my massages..my monthly insurance payments. All of these expenses are a big help to our “budget” that we both enjoy and work at.
I tell my friend that my husband has spoiled me and she replied to me “Enjoy it ”
One thing I like about marriage is having someone to cook for and someone to share life’s ” joys & sorrows” with as well as day by day experiences.
He has some things planted in his garden already and the Robins are everywhere in our yard today !!
Keep writing …I enjoy reading what you write :)
Good to hear from you Bertha. Love your story of dating the man who became your husband… sounds like you have a beautiful marriage.
Bertha, it’ good to see you here. Apparently, you have a long-time marriage too. I call myself an “old” wife – ha!
Kindness and a caring heart win out over looks, that’s for sure.
Incidentally, unlike you, I’m tired of cooking!
We thought we loved each other immensely the day we were married. Ha! That was only a small beginning of a love that would deepen through the years. We’ll reach 53 years in July and are still going strong. Each of us would be handicapped without the other. Two becoming one is much more than a physical union; it’s becoming one in thought and purpose. I can’t remember the last time we had an argument. Not saying we always agree but it’s never worth an argument. Blessings on your marriage. You’re off to a good start. May all your troubles be little ones.
Congratulations on 53 years of marriage Romaine! That is beautiful to hear. Ivan and I may never make it to 53 years, since we are both older, but I pray our marriage is just as beautiful.
So sweet and honest, Lucinda. Wishing you many more happy things to learn!
I love this post! You are discovering the best parts of marriage very quickly and appreciating them which will make your marriage even stronger. It also sounds like you have married a great man.
Yes I have. :)
So beautiful tor read this. My favorite part is when you wrote that Ivan asks your opinion. He truly values you – all of you :)
Yes. I love that so much too.
I think this is a wonderful and honest reflection on the last two months of marriAge and what you have learned. I think it is a wonderful list and I appreciate the stories that accompany each point as well
Glad to see you here, Janel.
I love it. We determined early in our dating and then marriage to always break through and communicate the hard things. So I’m sure we haven’t perfectly but we are very blessed to feel like we can talk about anything, the good, the bad and the ugly and our love only grows stronger. I tell young-married friends that born-again believers have to have the most fun in all the areas of marriage!
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Your observations and thoughts really blessed me.
I like that your husband isn’t afraid of your abilities with words, or that you’re skilled in areas he’s not. I say that because that’s one of the things I value most in my husband.
And I laughed at the checking account. After way too long we figured out that a separate account for me works best for us. It wasn’t that I minded helping out with the family financial needs, but I discovered that if my little bits of income disappeared into the gigantic fund for the new storage building at the warehouse, then I lost almost all my motivation to write. A separate account is a fun incentive.
Agreed on all counts. :)